Last night I had a birthday party with my best friends. It was fabulous. So fun and funny and happy. I literally woke up smiling this morning. I was thinking about how I just want more of that feeling. More laughter, good food, celebration, stories, joy. We stayed up late, ate well and laughed alot. It was true unbridled fun for me.
And then I thought about the idea of pace. That life with a chronic illness like diabetes requires a real sense of pace. I may want more of what I experienced last night, but I couldn't maintain too much of it without some real impact on my diabetes control. I know no one gets everything they want in terms of fun, but I also know that I am determined to move to joy as much as I can. And though it's not necessarily about less, it is about being aware of the balance that I have to shoot for with this disease. I've found over the years that my diabetes behaves kind of like a childs top. When it's going well it's balanced and I am capable of lot's of speed and adventure and energy. And then something tips the balance and it gets all wonky and hard to maintain the equilibrium. It also takes time to reestablish the balance and that's when I get bummed, because I like the energy I feel when it's going well. I start to feel sorry for myself that I have to deal with it all.
My goal now is to figure out the right balance between pace and fun. Or maybe to approach them as an integrated thing rather than as a trade off. I'm not a big fan of slow but I also know from experience that it is key to keeping the "top" going in a balanced way. The question is how do I get more joy while maintaining pace? Or maybe the idea is really accepting that I get more of what brings me happiness WITH pace. What would that look like? The goal is to figure out what's the right pace to have more of the unbridled fun. Because in the end, isn't all this effort to be healthy about having more of the joy?