First off, I am so grateful for the comments I've recieved from this blog. It's so cool to put something out there and actually have people respond. Plus to have them respond with kindness and insight is so wonderful. What I love about all this is that it isn't a conversation I'm just having in my head. There is real feedback and exchange which makes it so much of a richer process.
So in light of all that, I've been thinking about what Scott wrote back in response to my entry before and after. He kindly said that it was so not my fault that the technology of shots was not capable of matching the needs of my body and that he found it interesting that I'd feel like a "bad diabetic". It is interesting. Why is it that we feel so responsible for every thing that happens with this disease? Is it because we are taught that diabetes is "controllable"? Is it that we are in fact responsible for the APPROACH that we take, but not necessarily all the outcomes but we forget the latter part because we are so focused on the first part? Sometimes I think that I am so empowered by the time in history that I live, that I just carry that idea over into everything in my life. Whether I actually am or not, I feel like I am the "master" of my career destiny, my personal choices, the quality of my interactions with others. So of course it makes sense that I'm somehow also the "master" of every blood sugar or insulin reaction.
And then I see Scott's sentence and the clarity and truth of it just cuts through all the gymnastics I have done in my head. The technology didn't match the needs of my body. Yep, that's it. I wish I'd had that fire extinguisher a few years ago. Because it literally took me years to figure this one out. Years. Of guilt and recriminations and disappointment. And then one day it just changed. Even before the pump, I finally realized that I was doing the very best I could. Period. And as I continue to learn to be less harsh on myself, more possibilities, alternatives and gifts present themselves. Like the pump, or the idea of pace, or the OC. And also less harshness has allowed me to become more willing to grab at the joy, to wallow in it when it presents itself, to selfishly demand it whenever I can. I like the idea of more joy, adventure, celebration, gratitude and peace for us all. Because my guess is that everyone is pretty much doing the best they can with what they've been dealt with diabetes.