5 years to decide.

I have a new friend who has diabetes but is not on the pump like I am. She asked me about being on the pump and whether I liked it. And I raved about it, predictably. Raved about how much better my life was since I'd gone on it. Raved about how much I loved it, in spite of it's clunky, less than perfect design.

And I told her about how it took me 5 years to decide to go on the pump. For lot's of reasons. Fear, loss of control (better the evil we know...), lack of exposure to anyone else who had a pump, were all factors as to why it took so long for me to make the leap. I was thinking about all the reasons this morning, thinking about my friend who's considering the pump. And it occured to me that there was another reason too. It's that the pump is a physical thing, a tangible badge that says to the world and says to me, that I have diabetes. Well I think in all honesty, that was the thing that took me the longest to understand. It wasn't a conscious idea or anything. I just wasn't ready yet to totally accept that I had diabetes for good. So it took 5 more years to get used to the idea and when it finally dawned on me that I couldn't do diabetes "perfectly" and there didn't seem to be a cure around the corner, I became more open to going on the pump. And now it's ok for me (and others) to see the physical badge that says that yes, I have diabetes. In fact, it's more than ok. Now it feels like its the way it is supposed to be.