What I realized about the post below, is that there was a process I had to go through to become comfortable with the external object and symbol of what had, up to that point, been a internal thing. My diabetes was something I grappled with privately, so that I would appear whole and not less than. The goal was to be as normal (and as I've said before, "non-diabetic") as possible on the outside. For a long time too, that internalization felt a lot like shame. Like I'd failed somehow (by getting diabetes) so I needed to keep it to myself. The only way someone would know is if I told them, and I struggled with when and if I should share all the time.
What the pump has done in a very tangible way, is moved the fact that I was diabetic from inside of me to outside of me. Quite literally onto my waistband, there for the world to see and for me to bump up against a thousand times a day. Like when I am getting into the car or going to bed or dressing for the day. Or when I'm seated on a plane or at the gym or trying on clothes in a store. It's there. Hard and demanding and in the way.
And even so, it's still better than it was before. Of course because it's flexible and my diabetes is under good control. But also it's better because I now can see my diabetes in a different way; from outside in and for whatever reason, this feels a lot better than before.