thinking about grace.

I've been thinking about the subject of grace over the past couple of days. After reading Kerri's moving post no title, I've been feeling quiet. Like I want to find stillness and silence so I can think. To figure out the unknowable, if I can. To understand why difficult stuff happens to obviously good people. Dedicated, focused, up front, brave people. I want to understand why we got this disease. And once we got it, why it has to be so challenging to manage it. And once we learn to manage it as best we can, why complications can still happen? No matter how hard we work at it or "follow the rules", there is still no guarentee that we are in the clear. Why is that? Why?

Well no answer comes. I don't think there is a real answer to that question, unfortunately. Because it isn't a cause and effect proposition. I am reminded of an article in the New York Times Book Review that I read over a decade ago. They were reviewing a book by a woman who was writing about having cancer and she was quoted as saying: "what will happen can't be stopped. Aim for grace." For me, that is the answer to the question. Aim for grace. I cut the phrase out of the paper and I pasted it into a book where I make collages about my feelings around my life with diabetes. I've been doing it for years, way before blogging or the oc existed, in an attempt to make it real. To create a picture of it, a record of my particular journey with this disease.

"What will happen can't be stopped. Aim for grace." It reminds me that I can't help that I got diabetes, but I can affect how I live with it. I can be vigilant with my care. I can do my best. And still there are no guarentees about the outcome. I hear myself saying to my doctor, to myself, on my blog, "am I doing well enough"? I read others ask the same question. I tell myself that I will do the best I can on the things that I can control and celebrate the WAY I approach this as much as I can. I will see the grace in my approach. And I will call it out when I see it in others.

Now I have more pictures and examples of other people's grace with diabetes. There is Kerri who was the first voice I found, and always articulates her journey with generosity and courage. Always. After reading her post, I wanted to give her the prettiest mirror I could find, so she could see how graceful she is, and take some small comfort in knowing that. There are Amy and Scott and Kevin to name just a few, who on their blogs, share everyday their grace, honesty and presence with this disease. Or there is the new voice of jerusha who found me through my other blog dear ada, and who's beautiful, graceful post captured so many of the feelings I have around diabetes. There are so many others, too many to list, who inspire me and buoy me up when I am sad or burdened by diabetes. So many voices who show me what grace looks like. So many people, in there willingness to share, show me a path, and for that I am eternally grateful. Aim for grace. I feel so blessed knowing so many people who are doing that very thing.

Comments

[AmyT]

Hello,

I am so not religious, but this post made me want to say "Bless You, Rupp."

[Kevin]

I think your aim is true and you hit grace dead on.

I love your philosophy: grace is as fine a guide in life as any.

(and thanks for pointing out jerusha's blog... so much beautiful writing, it's overwhelming).

[birdie]

Thank you so much for bringing up religious thing because I've been a bit worried that that's how the name of this blog might be taken. Just to clarify, I don't mean grace in any religious sense. I mean it in the "philosophical", "handle it with gracefulness", have some style, positivity, gratitude about what is good in this experience (cuz there's lots of bad). Graceful like Christopher Reeves, Jackie Kennedy, Nelson Mandela. Strength and poise in spite of disaster or challenge or injustice. For me personally, the idea of grace doesn't come from religion, for others it might. For me, at it's core, it's about how we choose to cope. And for me the way this community copes personifies how I define grace for myself. So I'm sorry if I have caused any confusion. And thanks too for the chance to clarify.

[Scott K. Johnson]

You are, without question, perhaps one of the most graceful bloggers I know. It is always a real pleasure to read your entries, and they never fail to make me think and reflect.

Thank you for that.

I am very much honored to be a part of your online circle of diabetics - there are so many really great bloggers out there, and they (and you) have had such a positive impact on my life and struggles with diabetes.

Your last post touched me too, but I hadn't had a chance to comment yet on it.

Thank you for all that you are, and all that you share with us. It makes a big difference for me.

[Carlynn]

I feel like crying, reading your and Kerri's posts, and I don't normally dissolve into tears. I feel so far from grace, miles and miles away, screaming rage at the universe in fact, but your post gives me inspiration. Aim for Grace, it is a beautiful mantra.

[Kerri.]

Aim for grace, you have. And you've found your target every day, it seems.

It's easier to remain strong in the face of daily chaos when there are people like you, who purely and simply understand my deepest fears, to keep my core steely through trying times.

I hope I can give to you what you've given to me so many times.

Thank you, so much.

-- Kerri.