keeping it together.

This is a chicken or egg kind of thing question.

I know that I have pretty "controlling" personality. I dot every "i" and cross every "t" when it comes to something I'm working on. I care about the details. And I've done well by that quality in most parts of my life. And then there is diabetes, where we are told that "good control" is the goal of all that we do. There's that word again. Control. So that's how I approach my diabetes, and I've done pretty well by that quality again. It's most certainly not always perfect, but I maintain good A1C's, live a productive life, minimize diabetes' impact as much as I can.

And then there are all the other things about life that happen. On top of diabetes. On top of your job. Other health issues that pose there own challenges. Family stuff. Life stuff. You can't control everything, nor do I want to. But I realized last week, how much effort I make, to keep it all going. And when there is another health thing to contend with, more of my energy has to go to just managing. I go inside. To figure out the next steps. To calm my understandable nervousness. To tease out the information that I need to understand and consequently make a knowledgable decision. Luckily, nothing is life threatening. Luckily, it doesn't all have to be decided today. Medical people have to be talked with. Information has to be gathered. Details have to be explained. And that takes time.

People on the outside don't know what I'm going through on the inside. And I don't want to always have to lead with my health issues, for them to understand. Especially at work. But I realize that when I'm dealing with more things on top of all that I deal with everyday with diabetes, it's easy for me to appear distant. Or distracted. Or short. Or controlling. I realized this week, that sometimes more than others, I'm working really hard at controlling what I can, so that I can keep it all together and moving forward. Health stuff is so challenging sometimes. And with diabetes as a constant layer, the "event" related health stuff can appear a lot simpler than it actually is. Other people see it and say, oh bummer, but you'll get better. And they're right. To a point. They see the one thing and forget about the diabetes because I "do it well" so it recedes from view.

Which is fine. It just means that sometimes I feel like I'm running so hard to just navigate my health. I think I need to learn how to carve time out for myself at these times. To process and focus and protect myself. Time to rally. Time to take a deep breath. Time to get ready and go. Again.

So back to the chicken or the egg question. Am I a controlling person or do I have to be controlling to manage all the stuff on my plate? Who knows. If people say I'm a controlling person, I guess I can't really control that. I have to know that I'm doing the best I can. I have to know it and let it help me. Especially at times like these.

Comments

[alsmercer]

i always wonder about the chicken and the egg thing....would i live such a scheduled life if i wasn't diabetic? would i be more spontaneous, more adventureous, less anal, less focused on food, diet,and exercise? would i sleep late, go out to dinner and drink frozen drinks, would my relationships be different? would i leave the house without a heavy bag- full of skittles and test strips-....what would life be like without diabetes? how am i to know and sometimes it feels like a waste to wonder.

[Carlynn]

I think you have it in a nutshell when you say you are doing the best you can. For me, I need to carve out A LOT of space when I have several health issues. I just need to be alone and have some calm as either people just want to help, adding more noise to the issue, or they are chatting away about things I cannot concentrate on. There is only so much I can deal with, I am realising, and I need to give myself the space to deal with it and cut myself some slack when I need these down times.

[Sarah]

I can completely relate. I am completely controlling with my diabetes, my life, the lives of those around me, my laundry, my work, EVERYTHING. I can NOT handle variance. It pisses me off. I can not handle other people having different expectations than I do. Bob and I STRUGGLE with my need to control. He calls me manipulative and controlling, I call myself organized and orderly, and I call him scattered and Unorganized. Where is the middle? It is funny that one of the hardest things I have had to learn in the relationships I have with my children is that they were really not put on this earth to do my bidding whenever I see fit. They are their own little people and sometimes my bidding just isn’t going to fit their needs. It all comes down to control. I TOTALLY get what you mean, although it probably fits into my life a little differently than it does you, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN!

[Minnesota Nice]

So well said.
When I was in the midst of my retinal problems, people were always commenting that I was "preoccupied"......DUH, I GUESS SO.
Additional health issues on top of the db are obnoxious beyond description.

Hope you're doing better.

[Scott K. Johnson]

I too hope that things are going Ok for you. Just know that we are all thinking of you and pulling for you.

I think we all need a little more "down time" when we have things going on - but then again, we have a lot more to deal wtih than the average "healthy person". And that is on top of whatever else life in general throws our way.

[birdie]

You all help so much! I've said it before and I'll say it again: it makes all the difference knowing that there are wonderful people out there, who understand and care. Thanks, as always, for listening and supporting and fighting the good fight along with the all rest of us!

[Kerri.]

Chicken ... egg? I can't even begin to guess if it's diabetes that makes me neurotic or my neuroses that make me neurotic. All I know is that my plate seems full most of the time.

Then again, so does my glass.

Thinking about you, my friend.