This is a chicken or egg kind of thing question.
I know that I have pretty "controlling" personality. I dot every "i" and cross every "t" when it comes to something I'm working on. I care about the details. And I've done well by that quality in most parts of my life. And then there is diabetes, where we are told that "good control" is the goal of all that we do. There's that word again. Control. So that's how I approach my diabetes, and I've done pretty well by that quality again. It's most certainly not always perfect, but I maintain good A1C's, live a productive life, minimize diabetes' impact as much as I can.
And then there are all the other things about life that happen. On top of diabetes. On top of your job. Other health issues that pose there own challenges. Family stuff. Life stuff. You can't control everything, nor do I want to. But I realized last week, how much effort I make, to keep it all going. And when there is another health thing to contend with, more of my energy has to go to just managing. I go inside. To figure out the next steps. To calm my understandable nervousness. To tease out the information that I need to understand and consequently make a knowledgable decision. Luckily, nothing is life threatening. Luckily, it doesn't all have to be decided today. Medical people have to be talked with. Information has to be gathered. Details have to be explained. And that takes time.
People on the outside don't know what I'm going through on the inside. And I don't want to always have to lead with my health issues, for them to understand. Especially at work. But I realize that when I'm dealing with more things on top of all that I deal with everyday with diabetes, it's easy for me to appear distant. Or distracted. Or short. Or controlling. I realized this week, that sometimes more than others, I'm working really hard at controlling what I can, so that I can keep it all together and moving forward. Health stuff is so challenging sometimes. And with diabetes as a constant layer, the "event" related health stuff can appear a lot simpler than it actually is. Other people see it and say, oh bummer, but you'll get better. And they're right. To a point. They see the one thing and forget about the diabetes because I "do it well" so it recedes from view.
Which is fine. It just means that sometimes I feel like I'm running so hard to just navigate my health. I think I need to learn how to carve time out for myself at these times. To process and focus and protect myself. Time to rally. Time to take a deep breath. Time to get ready and go. Again.
So back to the chicken or the egg question. Am I a controlling person or do I have to be controlling to manage all the stuff on my plate? Who knows. If people say I'm a controlling person, I guess I can't really control that. I have to know that I'm doing the best I can. I have to know it and let it help me. Especially at times like these.