aiming for grace

similar yet different.

I'm a pretty visual person. I relate to images, often more than words. So, not surprisingly, I'm digging on the diabetes made visable pool. I'm loving the collective image of diabetes that's emerging. And I've been surprised a number of times, by the images I've seen there. Some have made me sad, others made me laugh. But what's been the most interesting to me, is how many of the images have been so familiar and yet different at the same time. The bottom of someone else's purse that reminds me of mine. The drawer full of backup test strip boxes, far neater than mine, but a similar storage choice, nonetheless. And then there's the photo below which inspired me to take the one above. I'd never really looked at my bedside table in terms of diabetes, before I looked at scott's. And then I saw mine. So different and yet, well, very much the same. Diabetes stuff, electronic stuff, personal stuff. All mixed together, like real life. That's one of the reasons why I like pictures so much. They reveal stuff I wouldn't normally notice. Truths. Ideas. Or just moments that can reveal something I didn't really see as clearly before. Like how different we are and yet so alike, because we're all human, and in our cases, also diabetic.

fashionably whole.

I've blathered on about the challenges of being a woman, wearing a pump and trying to be and feel stylish. Others have too. With all due respect to the pump engineers, it feels like they assume that everyone wears waistbands ALL THE TIME, regardless of gender, so a nice plastic clip is all you'll ever need. I've whined about the pathetic option we women have been given, of strapping the pump to our legs like we're some kind of modern day pirate, if we have the gaul to want to wear a dress once in a while. It's not the end of the world by any means but still, it's kind of demoralizing when the rest of the female world just gets to go with the fashion flow, while we're left the worry about how to deal with the lumpy, life giving brick attached to our bodies.

Case in point: I personally love the diane von furstenburg wrap dress. It's been around forever and given half the chance, I'd buy about a thousand of them to wear as a part of my perfect uniform. They're sassy, grown-up, comfortable and very flattering. But please, barring the velcro pirate trick, it's not going to work with my friend the pump. Somehow I can't imagine the body hugging silhouette working with you know what attached, well, anywhere. Sigh. I guess I have to pass on this particular fashion moment.

But sometimes, on the other hand, the fashion stars do align and there are some sweet choices that can work for a diabetic gal such as myself. Take for instance, the rise of the empire waisted silhouette. Fabulous! I've always loved the look and now, thanks to the shifting winds of fashion, there are a myriad of fantastic options to choose from. Pretty dresses, luxurious sweaters, flattering blouses. They are comfortable, very sassy at the moment and guess what, thanks to the design of the garment, no pump is ever going to show it's clunky little face when I'm wearing it. I splurged and got myself an amazing cashmere, empire waist sweater this fall and I love it. I feel groovy and I love the fact that my pump isn't hanging out there like it usually does when I wear my basic jeans, sweater, tee uniform. I'm convinced. I'm looking for more. Because they work. Because I feel less outside of the fun of fashion when I wear it. Because, in the end, I feel better, feeling pretty and sassy and hipper once in a while.

I feel more whole today with my diabetes than I've ever felt before. Whole and normal. But still, that doesn't mean that sometimes I could feel just a little more so, thanks to a groovy, cashmere sweater.

balancing on and off.

I've been feeling surprisingly good since my surgery (so much better than the shoulder hell) but still, I think I've overdone a bit. I feel really tired today so I'm doing nothing. A blog here and there, some mags, napping, more Grey's Anatomy. That's about it. I don't understand my drive to always want to do, especially when I'm sick or recovering from something like surgery. I've always had it, ever since I was a kid when a sick day meant falling behind or missing the action. I always hated that. And since I got diabetes, that personality trait has overlaid with my desire to not have the disease limit my life. So I rarely take a sick day or let diabetes be the reason for not performing at the highest level I can. I don't want to slow down, even when I'm tired or recovering or sick. Kind of silly really, but understandable too.

But I'm getting better at taking time outs and balancing lately. Recognizing when I need to. I'm learning that everyone needs to take a break. It's like I've expected more from myself than I do from others, because I have diabetes. But I'm realizing that it doesn't make sense. Time out is good, even when I'm not dealing with something medical or physical. It's better in the long run. I took my sabbatical this year and it was wonderful. I'm stopping today, where as before, I might have kept pushing. That's progress and I want next year to be about balancing on and off. It's a goal. A new year's resolution. More balance. Time off when it makes sense. Time out to listen. Time for time. To think and breath and restore.

Sounds like just what the doctor ordered (as well as Ruppert too)!

trying to not add fuel to the fire.

My bloodsugars have been a little elevated overall, since I returned from the hospital. I think mostly because I'm not moving at my usual speed yet. I just correct as needed, since it doesn't seem to be consistantly high at any one particular time. Plus it's been Christmas, you know, "have a cookie, chocolate, piece of pie...insert sugary delight here" at every turn. I haven't overdone, but given the "lack of exercise/recovery element" afor mentioned, my bloodsugars are unsurprisingly running a bit high.

But I have my pump, so I adjust. I used to worry about irreparable damage being done everytime I was high. Years of worrying. And then I asked my doctor about it once and he said that if I'm getting it down quickly and consistently, there isn't much to worry about. My A1C's bear him out so I worry less about this particular issue now. The goal is to note the high, correct the high and avoid the recriminations. They don't help the situation at hand and sometimes, quite frankly, they actually hurt it. Anger, frustration and annoyance seem to adversly effect my bloodsugars. So why add fuel to the fire. I admit I'm not perfect at the total "no worry" strategy, but I'm getting better at dealing with the highs without the uneccesary extra emotion. A few more bloodtests and lot's less worry, seems like a fair trade off to me. Beats the alternative, in my mind.

hospital adventures.

I'm back from hospital adventures. Way sooner than expected which can only be described as wonderful. The surgery went well, the stay in the hospital itself was fine, and tiring, but without event. And now, thankfully, I'm home. As of Thursday, resting, sleeping, moving slowly but still happy as a clam because I'm in my own house, bed and routine. It was a beautiful, crisp, sunny, winter day when I got home and Pearl, my skittish kitty, sat on the bed with me, in the sun. I don't know if I can remember being more content. Honestly. I think it takes stepping out of my day to day life sometimes, to remember all that I have. Things are very good here.

It was quite an adventure in the hospital "diabetes-wise". They debated as to whether I could have my pump on during surgery. They decided yes, because the doctor's wanted it that way. The policy about no pumps for diabetic patients, was a nurses rule and so the surgery itself was not in their purview. But once I was out and back in my room, the nurses rules came into play. Apparently, a couple of years ago, a patient on a pump went into a serious low and there were (legal?) ramifications. So without consulting the diabetes center or my doctor who heads it up, the nursing staff, unilaterally put a rule into place, that no diabetics could wear their pumps during a hospital stay. Done. The law. So it's taken my doctor and his colleagues a number of years to get the rule changed. Which it has been, but is still awaiting official implementation. Which is supposed to happen next month. Which didn't help me particularly, because I was in the hospital THIS month while the old rule was still in place. So off came my pump once I got into my room. Hour after hour they checked my bloodsugar, all through the night. They worried, they tweaked, they consulted my doctor. Luckily, the next morning they said I could go home if I wanted to, to which I immediately said yes please. I realized that I had been carrying the burden of trying to remain vigilant throughout the process, with the many different players who didn't know as much about my diabetes as I did, and I needed a break. Nurses, doctors, hospital policies, schedules, miscommunications all swirling around my diabetes care. Going home meant taking back the control, getting some uninterupted rest and returning to a routine that let me bloodsugars settle down. Yes, I said, I'd like to go home, now please.

As I was awaiting the paper work to be finalized for my release, the nurses did one last bloodsugar. It was 230 and they freaked. I said that it made sense to me since I'd been lying in a bed for 24 hours, no exercise, no control of my insulin. By then I was back on my pump and I said I'd just bolus to correct the high bs. They were skeptical and said they'd have to talk to my doctor. Argh! So close and yet so far away. I decided to take action, so I paged my doctor directly. He phoned a couple of minutes later, I put the nurse on, and voila, I was sprung. I heard the nurse say "I know she's an expert at this. We just wanted to be safe." Which I believe is the truth. All of the rules, the worry, is in the spirit of safety. It's not like anyone is trying to take control away from me for fun. They have so much that they are responsible for and diabetes adds one more variable to the pile. I said to the nurse that what was frustrating for me was that I'm expected to do this disease 24/7 and then suddenly, I'm expected to hand it over to countless people who don't get it as well as I do. And she said she understood that. And then she said something that helped me understand a whole lot better, the situation from their perspective. She said "but you see, you are the exception. You take care of yourself. Most people that we see here with diabetes, well, they just don't." I just sat there for a minute and then I said, "but my health is my responsibility. I have the tools and it's my responsibility to use them." And she said, "you'd be amazed at how many people don't feel that way." And she was right. I was amazed.

But for now, it's all good. I'm home. Resting, recuperating, relaxing. We've got the entire 2 seasons of Grey's Anatomy to watch over the next week. Miss Marple on dvd. The New York Times, "Year in Ideas" to read in its entirity. There's blogging and napping and eating and walking ahead. Slow but sure. Much to celebrate. Much to be grateful for. For kind husbands, great friends and family, skittish Pearl and wacky pups, attentive doctors and nurses, insulin, the pump and choices, the amazing OC and everyone's wonderful support and friendship. Yes, life is very, very good.

off to the races.

I'm off to the hospital tomorrow. So I'll be away for a bit. A week or hopefully less. Have great holidays in the meantime. Be well. And thanks to everyone for such a great year full of connection, support, humor, courage, visibility and sharing. I am so grateful.

that's nature.

We had a big storm here in the northwest last week. 60+ mile an hour winds, torrential rain, the whole nine yards. Trees and branches fell everywhere and at about 10 pm on Thursday night, there was a loud pop, the sky turned green and all our power went out. And stayed out, through the morning and into the early afternoon. It was cold, we had no phone service, and the hot water in the water heater was quickly cooling. When I called the electrical company, I miraculously got hold of a real person. He said they didn't know when the power would be restored, that this was the worst outage we'd had in a decade. And he then said something, that has really stuck with me. He said, "that's nature. You can't predict it and you often can't control it. You just have to do your best to deal with what happens." Well of course he's right, and in this case, though frustrating and inconvenient, the situation was resolved within a few hours. The impact of nature, this time, was over.

I keep thinking about what the man at the electric company said about nature, in relation to diabetes. Something failed within me (nature), and I have to deal with what happened, as best I can. Nature isn't negotiable. It just is. Over time, we can figure out how to modify nature or fix it or support it, but in the end, it will do what it will do. Life is limited, good stuff happens and bad stuff happens and it isn't about fairness. It just is. I don't know why but thinking about diabetes as nature somehow helps me. It makes me feel less responsible or to blame. I know I didn't "do anything to bring this on" (though how many times have I been asked if I ate a lot of sugar as a kid?), and yet somewhere deep inside, I feel like maybe I could have done something to prevent it. This isn't logic talking here, I know. Just a feeling. And when I think that actually, me getting diabetes is just the randomness of nature, I also remember that it could be worse too. Half full, half empty. No electricity in our house, the lights on one block away. Because it's random, I just have to do the best I can with what I've got.

another view of diabetes.

Isn't this a wonderful painting by tusconpics? I really love it. And I love that she posted it on the diabetes made visible pool to share with us all. And I love that this is happening. More pictures of other people's view of life with diabetes. More detail to the picture. And more access to the dimensional experience of life with this disease. Plus the chance to see great work and the rich expression of that experience like this. I'm so happy right now!

swimming in the pool.

Ok, so I just checked in on the diabetes made visible pool. 26 members, 87 photos. That's almost 100 more images of diabetes in the world, thanks to the pool. Diabetes is a tiny, tiny bit more visible now. Each photo is compelling on it's own, but what's cool is what's starting to happen collectively. Maybe when there are a few more, we can make a qoop poster of some of the images. I've made one before and they're fabulous.

And speaking of fabulous, how great is this photo from scott? It just made me laugh. This is something only a fellow diabetic would notice. Very funny.

asking for what you want.

It looks like my pump dreams (and everyone's kind and smart advice) have paid off. I had the phone admission call with the hospital today and apparently my doctor's passed on their desire (and obviously mine) to have me keep my pump on during the surgery and the stay at the hospital. Amazing. Sometimes you really do get what you ask for. I feel a lot better, I have to admit.

And I can't say how much I appreciate everyone's kind words and thoughts. That too, makes me feel a whole lot better.