I'm having surgery in a little over a week. It will be fine, but I'm nervous too. I have to be in the hospital a few days and consequently, I've been dreaming about my pump a lot. You see, the hospital that I'm going to, has a policy that diabetics can't wear their pumps during a stay. I guess they worry that the patient will mistakedly give themselves an insulin bolus in a drugged stupor. So when you check in, you are put on an IV insulin drip and you hand over your pump. I've only had to do this one time before and it made me feel so uneasy. Well, it's 4 years later and I seem to have even more anxiety about handing over the control of my bloodsugars to the ever-changing shift of nurses who will parade through my room, day and night. Of course, my doctor will be in charge, but there's still something so uncomfortable about totally TRUSTING my diabetes care to someone else.
So I've been having nervous dreams about loosing my pump or breaking it or not being able to read the screen, no matter how hard I try. It's funny how we deal with stuff. Intellectually, in the light of day, I know that it will be fine. I know I will be in good hands. But subconsciously, I'm nervous. So I there I go dreaming about this machine I've become so dependent on, suddenly not being so dependable. Silly but understandable.
It's also interesting to realize how "controlling" I've become about my diabetes care. Well of course I have. But still, day in and day out, I just deal and don't really think about it as "controlling". And then something like this arises and I realize how vulnerable I feel when I have to share the control with someone else. I think I've compartmentalized how wild and intense and dangerous diabetes can become in snap of a finger. 99% routine, 1% crisis. So I plan, and I anticipate, and I strategize and so far, I've minimized the disasters. I'm not a hero, just a bit obsessive and persnickity. Which seems to have worked pretty well. And then, in a case like this, I just have to turn it all over to someone else to pay attention to and well, it just feels so weird.