I've been thinking a lot about some of the harder emotions surrounding diabetes lately. Anger, frustration, sadness, boredom, resignation. They're all important and they're all real. At least as real as diabetes is. I also keep thinking about how diabetes just is for me now. 20 years of having it, makes it as real as breathing or eating to me. I keep thinking about how I can look at having it differently, in the effort to minimize the anger and sadness, which can hurt so much at times. Is there a way to do that? Because though I feel those feelings (more at certain times, less at others) I can't help but think that since diabetes is as basic as breathing to me now, it's a little like getting angry at walking instead of being able to fly, or aging when I still feel young inside, or winter because it's cold. Nature is as nature does. And my nature happens to include diabetes. For me, it's neutral at it's best, at times more unpleasant and demanding. It requires that I do stuff to stay healthy, stuff that most people don't have to do. And undeniably, it's not fair. But I have wondered lately, that if I could focus less on the injustice and more on the "normalness" of it in the context of my life, would I feel less burdened in the process? Because for me, that's the goal. Diabetes is hard enough, so how can I minimize it's impact beyond the amount that's non-negotiable? Would reducing the emotion around what's happening, make it hurt less? Or instead of reducing the emotion, refocusing that energy on more feeding, healing, happy stuff. More joy, demanding of beauty in my life, seeking out more play and delight to offset the space diabetes takes up in my life. I don't mean ignoring the anger or sadness, but rather let it be a gauge to actively augment against. Quid pro quo. Tit for tat.
I really don't know the answer. I really don't know if it's even possible. But it's been on my mind lately. It is, at the very least, an intriguing idea to consider. A noble goal to shoot for, if impossible to always actually reach. Even if I can't achieve it all the time, it's bound to reduce some of the pain. And that sounds like a great trade off to me.