I've been thinking a lot about some of the harder emotions surrounding diabetes lately. Anger, frustration, sadness, boredom, resignation. They're all important and they're all real. At least as real as diabetes is. I also keep thinking about how diabetes just is for me now. 20 years of having it, makes it as real as breathing or eating to me. I keep thinking about how I can look at having it differently, in the effort to minimize the anger and sadness, which can hurt so much at times. Is there a way to do that? Because though I feel those feelings (more at certain times, less at others) I can't help but think that since diabetes is as basic as breathing to me now, it's a little like getting angry at walking instead of being able to fly, or aging when I still feel young inside, or winter because it's cold. Nature is as nature does. And my nature happens to include diabetes. For me, it's neutral at it's best, at times more unpleasant and demanding. It requires that I do stuff to stay healthy, stuff that most people don't have to do. And undeniably, it's not fair. But I have wondered lately, that if I could focus less on the injustice and more on the "normalness" of it in the context of my life, would I feel less burdened in the process? Because for me, that's the goal. Diabetes is hard enough, so how can I minimize it's impact beyond the amount that's non-negotiable? Would reducing the emotion around what's happening, make it hurt less? Or instead of reducing the emotion, refocusing that energy on more feeding, healing, happy stuff. More joy, demanding of beauty in my life, seeking out more play and delight to offset the space diabetes takes up in my life. I don't mean ignoring the anger or sadness, but rather let it be a gauge to actively augment against. Quid pro quo. Tit for tat.
I really don't know the answer. I really don't know if it's even possible. But it's been on my mind lately. It is, at the very least, an intriguing idea to consider. A noble goal to shoot for, if impossible to always actually reach. Even if I can't achieve it all the time, it's bound to reduce some of the pain. And that sounds like a great trade off to me.
You ask how can we minimize the anger and sadness that diabetes has on us. By realizing, as you so succintly put it, that diabetes is as basic to us as breathing. Why does that help? I cannot separate D from me as a person. We are so intertwined. But hej - I like myself! Sure, there are tons of things about me that could be better, but basicaly I still like who I am. And who I am has definitely been molded by my D - as I said we are inseparable. Knowing that I would not change who I am at the core and that who I am has been so sifnificantly molded by D, makes me calmer, cools my temper. That does NOT mean we do not need to let off steam - and that is just what the D OC lets us do. Lori's post "Sorrow Tree" at her blog Very Old, Very Healthy Diabetic started me thinking on these lines b/c I too would probably, at day's end, also take back my own sorrow - at least if we MUST take a sorrow back with us!
Posted by: Chrissie in Belgium | January 23, 2007 at 11:21 PM
I forgot one thing. And if you DON'T like who you are, do something about it b/c it is only YOU who can change who you are.
Posted by: Chrissie in Belgium | January 23, 2007 at 11:36 PM
Honorable goal. My strategy for diabetes is that there is always tomorrow. What it means to me is that if today was not good enough I can always try again tomorrow, and if today is good tomorrow I can make it even better.
Posted by: Sasha | January 24, 2007 at 12:19 AM
Very nice post and nice reasoning as well. It seems like this kind of acceptance of living with diabetes takes time to come to (I'm thinking of the anger of the blogs of the more recently-diagnosed), or at least takes some thoughtful insight, rather than the more immediate anger and sadness that I see in many blogs by people affected with diabetes for a shorter amount of time.
Posted by: Lyrehca | January 24, 2007 at 04:41 AM
Ooh, I really like that phrase "demanding of beauty", because no matter what the circumstances, it is always to be found.
Good post; good comments. Nice little reminders for me to take through my day!
(And I also like the image of db "taking up space" - sometimes we just have to rearrange things to make room for it - an effort, but worth the results.)
Posted by: Minnesota Nice | January 24, 2007 at 08:08 AM
I find myself often swinging back and forth from being Ok with things as they are, to fighting a lot of emotions around it. I think that is pretty normal.
Coming to accept it, all the time, is probably the overall goal - and if we are able to do that, then the slice of "diabetes pie" becomes smaller. The smaller that slice, the more other "stuff" we are able to fit in the pie.
Even if we are able to minimize the mad times, that leaves that much more for happy times.
Posted by: Scott K. Johnson | January 26, 2007 at 08:48 AM