aiming for grace

an email and a cookie.

Last year I had the surprising experience of having a couple of people I know get diabetes. I also discovered in the process of getting to know a new friend, that she had diabetes. Three people I know and have in my life that have diabetes too. All in one year! And then there is blogging and the OC where I've met so many new, wonderful friends who have diabetes too. Nineteen years of utter loneliness with diabetes and then suddenly in one year, I feel seen and understood in a way I never have before. It's very strange and very wonderful.

Last week I got an email from my new friend telling me of her great A1c results. It was a short email and it nearly brought me to tears. That she shared her achievement with me. That I had a new friend who actually knew what an A1c was. That she'd done so well, which means she was taking care of herself, which is so hard and admirable. That I knew what an achievement her A1c was and could say so to her and celebrate with her. It was so simple and small really, but also so huge. A thin thread between she and I, based on a similar journey. I am less alone because I know her and she honored me by sharing her achievement. Less alone and more whole because my diabetes isn't so hidden anymore. What a gift!

And today, I'm going to meet my friend who got diagnosed last summer. We're going to this amazing little bakery to have a cookie and some coffee. We both know how to handle it in terms of our insulin and we're both psyched. Because we know we deserve it, we know how to deal with it and we're doing it with someone else who gets how cool that is. As I was hanging up from making the arrangements to meet, I said something about getting ready for an "insulin moment". We both laughed and after I was off the phone, I just smiled. I'm meeting a friend who gets the significance of insulin, the importance of carb counting and most importantly, the value of a trip to the bakery for a special cookie once in a while. She and I get that we need to have a treat once in a while as well as make an adventure out of it. Again, I'm so lucky that she gets it and I'm less alone in the process. And again, I have another gift to notice and celebrate!

just like breathing, but not.

Diabetes is such a routine. I eat, I exercise, I test, I correct, I bolus, I snack, I plan, I forget, I worry, I rebound, I calculate, I crash. Blah, blah, blah. It's so predictable and also so not so. 99% sheer, unending routine, 1% intense, panicky drama. Everyday. It's almost transparent in it's presence, normal because of the countless times I do the drill. It's just normal. And boring. And there. Test, correct, bolus, snack. It's like breathing now.

Except, unlike breathing, I have to pay attention to it.

strength training.

I'm going to start working with a trainer, to add some core strength to my exercise program. Because all I do, since my shoulder saga began a couple of years ago (yes, it's been years...), is walk every day, 1-2 miles a day. Anything much else and my shoulder gets cranky and sore and wakes me up at night. Plus I've been dealing with other medical stuff so I've become a little nervous about doing anything more than the walking. And of course, underlying all of the above is diabetes, my happy friend that never goes away.

So I decided that it is time for some help from a professional. A personal trainer, who I just met a couple of days ago. She asked me about my goals and I said something about more strength and flexibility, about becoming more well rounded in my fitness. The usual stuff. And then I had a moment of clarity and realized that though these were definite goals, my biggest goal was actually about becoming less afraid. Less afraid of injury, less afraid of doing too much, less afraid in general. After 20 years of managing diabetes, I've become so careful and aware of pace, that I'm beginning to feel a little too tentative about my physical activity. It's a known fact that exercise adds another variable to diabetes control. There's lots to consider like frequency, intensity, consistency, food, hydration, pace. And then there is the inevitable affect it has on blood sugars, in the immediate moment and, as in my case, often many hours later. That coupled with the slow recovery from multiple shoulder issues and recovery from recent surgery, it's understandable why I might be a bit reticent to dive in unattended. But as it stands now, I'm also reticent to remain reticent about diving in at all. And that's the rub. And the challenge. And the goal. Less afraid, more strong. At the right pace, given all my particular needs. Train to be strong physically as well as training emotionally to become a bit stronger about trying new stuff. So I'm looking forward to working with someone who is a professional at this process. So I can feel less afraid and get on with the strength part of the equation. We'll see how it goes.

lost opportunity.

Last Sunday's new york times magazine's cover story, unhappy meals by micheal pollan, was really interesting. Beautifully written and smartly constructed, the article unteases the complex subject of modern nutritional politics, policy and process. I was struck with how a great writer can make even the most mundane subject fascinating and understandable. This article is noteworthy in its depth and scope on the subject of modern nutrition and how, the author argues, that in the effort to solve the problems of the western diet, it's actually made them worse. He sites many times throughout the article, how our diet is contributing to a variety of dangerous health issues. At the very least, even if one doesn't agree with everything he posits, it's a great read. It certainly has made me rethink some of my food choices long after I'd put the magazine aside.

So it's obvious I liked the article, right? Right, but. I have to admit, there's one thing he did throughout the article, that just keeps bugging me. At times he would say that the western diet has contributed to the rise of type 2 diabetes and at times, he'd just say diabetes. Which is just wrong, when talking about type 1 diabetes. Hello, it's an autoimmune disease who's onset is not related to diet! An important detail and distinction, given the thrust of the article, I'd say. Additionally, in the following passage, the differences between the two types of diabetes seem to get more blurry: "Medicine is learning how to keep alive the people whom the Western diet is making sick. It’s gotten good at extending the lives of people with heart disease, and now it’s working on obesity and diabetes. Capitalism is itself marvelously adaptive, able to turn the problems it creates into lucrative business opportunities: diet pills, heart-bypass operations, insulin pumps, bariatric surgery." Insulin pumps for type 2 diabetes? I know there are a few people with type 2 diabetes who do wear the pump but it's my understanding that the vast majority of people on insulin pumps are type 1 diabetics. Which means that the author kind of got it wrong, or at the very least, didn't take the opportunity to clarify. To me this passage implies that the insulin pump was designed to address the type of diabetes he's been refering to throughout the article, where diet contributes to it's onset (ie. type 2 diabetes), when in fact, it was designed to address type 1 diabetes (as in the type of diabetes where diet does not contribute to onset). Which means the author either doesn't get the distinctions between the two types of diabetes, or he's blurring the lines between them to make a point. Neither is good, in my mind.

As a type 1 diabetic, I've lost count of the times I've had to explain that no, "I didn't eat a lot of sugar as a child", or no, "my diabetes can't be controlled with just diet or exercise". Diabetes is already confusing enough to the general public, so it bums me out that a newspaper of such distinction and author of such skill, didn't take the opportunity to bring clarity the subject. Maybe I'm nitpicking, but hell, it doesn't seem that hard to pay attention to a detail as important as the differences between type 1 and type 2 diabetes, especially given the thoroughness and attention to detail in the rest of the article.