I read amy's post, living with it a few days ago, and I have thought of it often ever since. I'm so grateful for the web and the OC and the dedicated, open people, whose generosity of spirit has reminded me that I'm not alone in this journey with diabetes. amy's recent post articulated a particular, specific moment, that I have experienced numerously over the past 20+ years with diabetes. One that is so real and frankly, so important in reminding that I am still a person first. A person who is still capable of feeling shock and despair about having diabetes. Yes, I'm also a diabetic. Yes, I'm used to it. Yes, I live with it and make the best of it. But yes, I also can't believe it in my soul, that I still have it and will so forever, unless there is a cure. That momentary breathlessness, like I've been kicked in the stomach and had the wind knocked out of me, still happens. And thanks to amy's post, I know that it happens to others too. Yet again, I feel a little less alone and for that I'm so grateful.
So we still have diabetes. What has been coming up for me more and more lately, is that fact, has to matter for something. It has to count. Meaning that it has to count in positive choices I make in my life, because it certainly counts for so many accomodations and difficult choices I have to make. I know too that some of this thinking is also fueled by the fact that I'm smack dab in the middle of my life (she said optimistically) and it's what you naturally think about at this time. What's the rest of my life going to be about? What matters most to me? What matters most? And what keeps coming up for me is the phrase: if not now, then when? If now isn't the time to actively move towards the things that have meaning to me, then when exactly will it be? Later? When there's a cure? More and more, I realize that what I've earned, is letting all that I've struggled with around diabetes count for something. I have permission for different choices because of it. A more authentic living of my life. If not now, then when? The more I let my diabetes count for something, the more I find myself saying, well, yes, now would be a good time. A good time to get a studio to do my art in. A good time to learn horseback riding. A good time to put those new windows in so I can see the garden better from inside, on those many rainy northwest days. Letting it count means letting it count for now. Letting the when become now.