I haven't been dancing very well these days. Lately I've been stumbling over myself when it comes to my diabetes. It's one of those mysterious times when things seem to have shifted. What used to work, isn't right now and so I am bumping and grinding through my days. Up, down and all around. I hate these times because of course, they don't feel good. But also I hate them because they bring out some of the less than helpful aspects of my personality. The parts that agressively want to get after the problem. A 330 rebound bloodsugar, well let's get it down damnit. So I over bolus and crash again. A 40 bloodsugar, well let's get it up damnit and an hour later I'm rebounding again. I'm not interested in 15 carbs and sitting it out through the discomfort of 15 minutes for it to take effect. What if it doesn't, I think? What if I'm damaging myself, I worry? Thoughts circle my mind like an manic gerbil in a gerbil wheel, all while my poor brain literally feels like it's in a vice. Headache, sparkles in my eyes, sweaty. It's kind of miserable all around.
It's hard for me to tease out whether I'm helping myself or making it worse at times like these. There's definitely something up these days. I'm not feeling the lows until I'm very low, which means the old liver is "helping out" when I finally do start to treat it. My doctor said if this continues, we need to have me run high a few days so that I can regain my sensitivity to lows. So I guess that's where we are now, which is fine. We wanted to see if this pattern would continue, and it has, so on to plan B. But like everything else, it's an experiment. One which has the obvious physical aspects of it (how can I get back the feeling of lows before it's too low) as well as the behavioral aspects which is the me part. The part where my personality and worry getting involved. Making it better and worse. The funny thing about this is that it's hard to notice when you get it "right" because it's just good and on you go. But if and when you get it "wrong", well then it's clear. Operator error with real ramifications. Hello rollercoaster. Hello guilt. Hello worry.
I do know that this will work itself out. It always does. I guess that's the good news about having diabetes for so long. I've been through this before and I'm sure I will again. Lucky for me, the mind that gets all bound up around this stuff, also provides the philosophical insights that help me through times like these. It's physical, it's philosophical. It's body, it's mind. Act, react. Analyze, forgive. Focus, let go. My goodness, what a dance this life with diabetes is.
postscript: Last night I tried something I'd learned from a person who posted a comment recently (though I'm haven't found the exact post to credit them yet...SORRY). When I was high after a low, I took half of what I normally would have taken to correct the high. And it worked. My mind said no, take more, but I didn't listen to it. It sounds basic, but truly, I've haven't bounced so high and low for such a long period of time, since I went on the pump. I'm kind of out of practice...so I listened to someone else who'd been through this very thing, and thankfully, it worked. Thank you, thank you, thank you to whoever you were with the great advise!
Most people go to a theme park to experience the thrill of a roller-coaster ride. Insulin dependent diabetics have no need to, we spend a good percentage of our lives riding a roller-coaster. A roller-coaster with a difference though, ours can put us in hospital.
Posted by: Simon | June 02, 2007 at 03:03 PM
I like the analogy of life to a dance, for dance implies movement and vitality (even if you're off stumbling on the edge of the crowd). Yet, the music always changes, and the master dj surprises us with somethng we can't stand, some rhythm we're not in the groove with. So you go through the motions as best as you can, and wait for the next song.
Posted by: Minnesota Nice | June 02, 2007 at 03:08 PM
I am thankful for the blog world and all the great writers who have shared their experiences. I have been feeling down lately, and it is typically diabetes related. Several days exactly like the ones you described above.... I hate that we all have to go through this, but on the flip side I am grateful that we can share and know we are not alone in our diabetes journey. It takes someone who has been through the same to understand.
I agree with the half dose when correcting in the midst of rebounds. I as well tend to panic and either over bolus or over eat. Those first few minutes of anxiety knowing I may go too low to help myself, or so high I will damage my body often end up in an un-ideal BG reading an hour later. I have to tell myself to sit back and simply wait.......I want quick results. 5 minutes, not 2 hours. ....I am learning, and sharing.....thank you for sharing and reminding me that I am not alone in this journey and neither are you!
Posted by: Drea | June 02, 2007 at 05:19 PM
Patience is definitely a virtue with diabetes. I'm still on MDI and I've finally learned that for me, humalog takes longer to peak. I get so antsy wanting to give more 2 hours post-meal, but if I just wait it out, it comes down of its own accord. Damn that Tom Petty: "The waiting is the hardest part." I wonder if he has diabetes?
Posted by: kimberly | June 02, 2007 at 09:46 PM
As someone who was recently diagnosed with diabetes I can only imagine how difficult it is to have it under control, then go through a metabolic change and feel like you're starting all over again. Each day I feel like I'm learning to walk again be it a bike ride for the first time, or having a food that I used to love for the first time again. To this point I've just trusted my body and pray that when I'm low that the glucose tabs or glass of oj will bring me up in 15 minutes sometimes I think the best way to fight this disease is by having belief in the resilencey of our bodies.
Posted by: Ed | June 03, 2007 at 01:29 PM
I too have been fighting "things" lately too.
You really have a way of putting into words the things I am feeling.
Thank you.
Posted by: Scott K. Johnson | June 04, 2007 at 07:26 PM
The feelings you describe are so painfully familiar, especially the worrying part about the lows. I too can't stand the 15 minutes waiting time after the 15g carbs, it feels horrible and the thoughts of whether I'm hurting myself are devastating. Besides 15g are not always enough, for me for most of the time.
So what I do is take as much as I need at the moment to feel my sugars to start rising again (e.g. about 30-45g of carbs) and then after 1/2 hour - 40 minutes I bolus for the grams I took minus 15g (e.g. took 45g - bolus for 30g). It works for me. Sugars don't go high after a low. Although the bolus might be less or later depending on how low I was and how much time it took to recover. I don't know if my doctor would approve of such way of handling lows bur I just really can't stand the feeling.
Posted by: Sasha | June 09, 2007 at 08:56 AM