I haven't been dancing very well these days. Lately I've been stumbling over myself when it comes to my diabetes. It's one of those mysterious times when things seem to have shifted. What used to work, isn't right now and so I am bumping and grinding through my days. Up, down and all around. I hate these times because of course, they don't feel good. But also I hate them because they bring out some of the less than helpful aspects of my personality. The parts that agressively want to get after the problem. A 330 rebound bloodsugar, well let's get it down damnit. So I over bolus and crash again. A 40 bloodsugar, well let's get it up damnit and an hour later I'm rebounding again. I'm not interested in 15 carbs and sitting it out through the discomfort of 15 minutes for it to take effect. What if it doesn't, I think? What if I'm damaging myself, I worry? Thoughts circle my mind like an manic gerbil in a gerbil wheel, all while my poor brain literally feels like it's in a vice. Headache, sparkles in my eyes, sweaty. It's kind of miserable all around.
It's hard for me to tease out whether I'm helping myself or making it worse at times like these. There's definitely something up these days. I'm not feeling the lows until I'm very low, which means the old liver is "helping out" when I finally do start to treat it. My doctor said if this continues, we need to have me run high a few days so that I can regain my sensitivity to lows. So I guess that's where we are now, which is fine. We wanted to see if this pattern would continue, and it has, so on to plan B. But like everything else, it's an experiment. One which has the obvious physical aspects of it (how can I get back the feeling of lows before it's too low) as well as the behavioral aspects which is the me part. The part where my personality and worry getting involved. Making it better and worse. The funny thing about this is that it's hard to notice when you get it "right" because it's just good and on you go. But if and when you get it "wrong", well then it's clear. Operator error with real ramifications. Hello rollercoaster. Hello guilt. Hello worry.
I do know that this will work itself out. It always does. I guess that's the good news about having diabetes for so long. I've been through this before and I'm sure I will again. Lucky for me, the mind that gets all bound up around this stuff, also provides the philosophical insights that help me through times like these. It's physical, it's philosophical. It's body, it's mind. Act, react. Analyze, forgive. Focus, let go. My goodness, what a dance this life with diabetes is.
postscript: Last night I tried something I'd learned from a person who posted a comment recently (though I'm haven't found the exact post to credit them yet...SORRY). When I was high after a low, I took half of what I normally would have taken to correct the high. And it worked. My mind said no, take more, but I didn't listen to it. It sounds basic, but truly, I've haven't bounced so high and low for such a long period of time, since I went on the pump. I'm kind of out of practice...so I listened to someone else who'd been through this very thing, and thankfully, it worked. Thank you, thank you, thank you to whoever you were with the great advise!