I'm having another spell of bloodsugar rock and roll. Up at night with highs, the next night, low. There's a lot I dislike about diabetes, but this is the stuff I hate the most. I feel stupid because I can't figure it out and frustrated with myself because I'm not paying enough attention. Sometimes I don't need to be on top of every ounce of food I eat and it's ok. But at times like these, it seems like one, small miscalculation, one too many crackers or an extra gulp of milk, and I'm dealing with the blood sugar ramifications for hours to come. These times are of course annoying, but I realize that deep down inside, what they really do is frighten me. When I can't figure it out, when I can't fix it quickly, that's when I feel like I'm losing myself to this disease. That's when I feel more diabetic than me. And though I know that this time of wonky, slippery bloodsugars will pass, as it has done so many times before, right now, at this point in the process, I feel pretty defeated and tired and a bit afraid.