aiming for grace

3 fun things list.

Ah, the goal of more fun. I realize that it's easy to say, but not always easy to figure out how to achieve. Especially with diabetes in the mix. But still it's a fine goal to have. And a smart one to pursue.

In that spirit, I recently stumbled on a great post at happy silly that I keep thinking about. Just like noticing what helps, maybe getting into the habit of noticing what's fun, making a top 3 fun things list (a variation on the happy silly happy list) every once in a while, will help me focus on fun more. Knowing what's fun, having it top of mind, makes it a lot easier to lean towards it and maybe even attract a bit more of it my way. I know it sounds woo woo, but heh, it's worth a shot right?

So here goes, my top 3 fun list for today: *gardening on a cool summer morning, *going to the farmer's market for fresh raspberries, *watching a new miss marple mystery with my sweet husband and two silly dogs.

Yep, sounds fun to me! Can't wait to do them all. If anyone feels like sharing, I'd love to hear what's your list of 3 fun things today.

a goal for life with diabetes.

I've been thinking lately, that one of my goals in life with diabetes is to balance the necessity of preparedness with the pursuit of some fun.

Top photo from reference library, bottom photo found long ago but the actual source unfortunately, is long lost (sorry).

slippery days.

I'm having another spell of bloodsugar rock and roll. Up at night with highs, the next night, low. There's a lot I dislike about diabetes, but this is the stuff I hate the most. I feel stupid because I can't figure it out and frustrated with myself because I'm not paying enough attention. Sometimes I don't need to be on top of every ounce of food I eat and it's ok. But at times like these, it seems like one, small miscalculation, one too many crackers or an extra gulp of milk, and I'm dealing with the blood sugar ramifications for hours to come. These times are of course annoying, but I realize that deep down inside, what they really do is frighten me. When I can't figure it out, when I can't fix it quickly, that's when I feel like I'm losing myself to this disease. That's when I feel more diabetic than me. And though I know that this time of wonky, slippery bloodsugars will pass, as it has done so many times before, right now, at this point in the process, I feel pretty defeated and tired and a bit afraid.

designing better than good enough.

Ok, so I know I've complained alot about the state of design in the medical industry in general and in the world of diabetes in particular. I'm a designer by training and the idea that life can be made better through design problem solving is fundamental to my approach to the world. I believe that great design can improve quality of life, pure and simple. There are countless examples of this in the world, too many to list here. I take it for granted that if something is just "good enough" it's ripe for reinvention or redesign. It's just the way I think about things.

The reality that the stuff I have to use as a diabetic could be better designed has been a source of real frustration and sadness to me. The pump design is ok, but oh, it could be so much better. The other reality is the ability to actually change the design of the pump is slim to none. I'm involved in a couple of things where I can possibly contribute some input, but to actually be able to profoundly change such a highly regulated, complex medical devise is unlikely. For all intents and purposes at this point, I get what I'm given by the industry. Period. That fact also saddens me. It makes me feel caught and captive and passive. I don't like that feeling because it adds another negative to my experience of diabetes. I've come to believe that I can't do what is fundamental to who I am (ie. problem solve through design), which leaves me feeling ineffectual in such an important part of my life.

Well, it's occured to me lately that just because I feel this way about the pump, that doesn't mean I have to feel that way about everything I need to do with diabetes. Take medical alert bracelets for example. I'm supposed to wear one, but I don't because they are uncomfortable and antiquated and just plain ugly. I've not worn one most of the 21 years I've had diabetes, which means I've been lucky not to have had cause to need one, but also means I've been taking a risk. I'm a bit of a girl scout and so to not do something I'm "supposed" to is kind of a big deal for me. I've let the aesthetics of the existing state of medical alert bracelets (necklaces too) and the fact that they're just "good enough" get in the way of being as safe as possible. I'm not beating myself up for that fact but I do recognize it. I recognize it and realize that to some degree, this has always nagged at the back of my mind.

So a few months back, I decided to do something in my life around diabetes and design. I connected with a long-time friend about coming up with a new approach to medical alert bracelets. Beyond being one of my oldest and dearest friends, she has an impressive background in production and manufacturing and is also an accomplished designer in her own right. We talked and explored and noodled the possibilities around design and manufacturing. We researched and learned and talked some more. We sketched and mocked up and played with prototypes. We've been having some real fun and soon will have something to show for all our effort. But whatever the result, the good news is that I feel so much better because of this process. I feel better thanks to my great friend and her belief and dedication to this exercise. I feel better too, because I have remembered that I have power here and that design is about all kinds of problems, big and small. Even though I can't redesign the pump to my perfect liking, I can still design something that makes my life better and safer with diabetes. At the end of the day, this exercise has reminded me that first and foremost, I'm a person with diabetes, a designer with diabetes, not a diabetic without power. And that reminder is worth it's weight in gold (or surgical steel or titanium or silver)!

"sites in legs" update.

Update, in the spirit of noticing the good stuff too. I know I've complained about sites in my legs a number of times in the past. Well I'm here to tell you that I hate them less now that it's summer and I'm wearing skirts and loose fitting shorts. I'm officially modifying my dislike for them in general, to mostly disliking sites in my legs when I wear jeans or tighter fitting pants. Warmer weather, girly skirts, casual shorts, sites in legs are ok. FYI.

team pizza.

I had an appointment with the nutritionist at my diabetes clinic recently. It was so great. I always learn something new about food and how to deal with all it's implications to my diabetes. I also learn stuff about myself in the process of learning about food and my diabetes. Like the fact that over time, and in the effort to keep my life and diabetes regimen simple, I gradually narrow the choices I think I have. A few bad experiences with pizza for example, and over time pizza comes off my list of foods I want to eat. Which on one hand makes logical sense. There is no sense in continually going back for more of the same bad result. What's interesting to me though is how I decide that no pizza is the way to do that. After all, I wear the pump and it has the ability to do dual wave bolus', a feature designed for foods like pizza. That's another way of dealing with the pizza issue, but it hasn't been one I've even wanted to try, because it's yet another thing to have to try and experiment with and master. Another thing, on it's face, means more work, more highs and lows in the process, in a word, no fun. So my decision tree shuts off that option too and I'm back to no pizza for birdie. And so it's been years since I've had pizza for a meal. I've nibbled here and tasted there, but no crispy, thin crusted, cheesy delights as the main course for me. No, no, no.

Well, what was great about this visit to the nutritionist, was we talked about the process I go through to get to the pizza no. The reason's behind saying no, without judgement or recrimination. My wonderful nurse empathized deeply with me as a person navigating diabetes. Her empathy allowed me to see the choices I was making in a clear and supportive light. My husband was also there which helped further, because he's always trying to make my life better with diabetes. A professional and a loving partner, team members in my journey with diabetes. How amazing is that? What was great was we looked at the pizza story as a team, and we problem solved together. My nutritionist explained the biomechanics of how fat effects absorbtion. Check, on the science. Now the project. We came up with this idea that over the next few weeks, we'd just solve the pizza dilemma. Not all food dilemma's. Not dual wave bolus' and square bolus'. Nope we'd just solve pizza. We came up with a plan. I'd first eat a slice of pizza, test every hour after the meal for the next few hours. I'd just collect the data. Then I'd meet with my team to assess the data. We'd then walk through the dual wave process together. Then I'd try that with another pizza slice. Report back. It became a kind of a fun project. A team project. A small and managable diabetes project. With the end result being that I'd get to have a little bit of pizza back in my life. Fun. Not work. What fun.

Ok, so I know this sounds kind of remedial to all the folks out there that are wizards at their pump. It also may sound kind of lame that I've limited myself so much. I know that this isn't rocket science and I even know I'm smart enough to figure this out without the need of advice from a nutritionist or my husband. I know that I'm the one that's limited myself and that in the end, I'm the one that's going to need to do some work here. But frankly, that's not the point. The point is that I get filled up with diabetes management and technology interface and data collection. I'm not by nature a scientist or an engineer. My heart doesn't race with excitement when I think about yet another experiment where my body is the test animal. My personality, my tenure as a diabetic, my preferences don't predispose me to experimentation in this zone. So at the end of the day, I need some help in moving beyond my predisposition, and that's where my crack team comes in. By doing this simple small thing with them, I get beyond my habit, my decision tree, my belief of no pizza for me and end up with a reservation at ken's artisan pizza. Me, my team, my dual wave bolus and hopefully, the thinnest, crispiest, cheesiest pizza they make as my main course. It's a small thing but I think it's actually a big thing, because in the end, a little more pizza in my life would be nice. So now I'm pretty excited about this small adventure where before I was leary. It will be fun, not to mention the fact that my husband wants to have birdie's team pizza tee's made for the project. A great team, pizza and silly teeshirts. Boy am I the luckiest girl ever!

a lovely time.

Even though my diabetes has been mildly wonky lately, somehow it doesn't seem to matter so much because it's summer here, all warm and breezy and lush. At times like these, the noise of diabetes just seems to fade a bit. I've just finished a week of vacation full of small adventures, of making art and hanging with the dogs and friends and my sweet husband (not necessarily in that order). This photo, found here, captures exactly how I feel today. Light, bouyant and reminded of the wonderment of the world. It's a lovely time.

celebrating a bit more freedom.

Yesterday was the 4th of July, a day we celebrate freedom and independence. I think those are good qualities to value and notice and celebrate.

Well I had a small, silly thing related to diabetes happen yesterday that reminded me of those ideas. Last week I upgraded my pump to the mini med 522. I wanted to have the ability to use the real time glucose monitoring system when I needed it. I'm not taking the full leap yet but I like having the option to do so whenever I decide I want to. My other pump was also out of warranty, scratched up and ready to be replaced anyway. So last week when the new pump finally arrived (after much jumping through hoops with insurance companies) I went to the clinic and converted over to the new pump. Once I was finished, I gathered up all the accompanying booklets and instructional dvd's and the old pump, put them in the box the new one had come in and headed home. Done and done.

Yesterday I was in my office at home, blogging away, and I noticed that my pump started to beep intermittedly. Randomly. When I checked it the pump screen, there were no warnings that I was running low on insulin or battery power. Hm. And hour or so later, it beeped again. What the? Again, no information on the screen. Was I sitting against it wrong? Was this new pump more sensitive to pressure than my old one? Hm again. I decided I'd wait to see if it did it again, and if it did, I'd call the hotline. Hours passed, I'm getting on with the day. I pop into the office for a second, and there it is again. My pump starts beeping. Ok, I just don't get this. So I call the hotline. I get a very nice woman on the other end, I tell her my tale of puzzlement. And without missing a beat she pleasantly asks, "is your old pump in your office?" She doesn't even have to finish the question before I realize that yes, the box I'd brought home from the clinic was sitting next to my computer. "You're brilliant!", I say, feeling like a total dork for having wasted her time. She laughed and said, "ah, I wish I could take credit for brilliance, but you can't imagine how many times we get calls like this!" Ok, I feel a little less like a total dork. We laugh, I wish her a happy 4th and off I go. Funny times...beeping, puzzling, silly times.

In the aftermath of this silliness, I can't help but feel grateful for the fact that someone was on the other end of the phone, on a national holiday, working the beat. There was someone there to deal with my silly problem, but I also I know that if it'd been a serious one, they'd have been there too. And that knowledge gives me a little more freedom in living my life, a perfect revelation wouldn't you say, given the theme of yesterday's celebration?

more ya-hoo.

I've been in a bad mood about my diabetes lately. Feeling extremely sorry for myself. I've gone down the rabbit hole of self pity and though it's totally understandable, it's not a fun place to be. I know this happens on occasion but today it stops. Half empty is becoming half full. Feeling the way I've been feeling only makes me lonelier and grumpier and harsher. And ultimately it only hurts me. Though I understand why it happens and I can even justify it, I woke up this morning realizing that I had a choice here. So enough of the boo-hoo and on to the ya-hoo. It's sunny and gorgeous and the day is young. Happy day.