aiming for grace

what's in a number?

What is it with numbers? Why do I feel so bad about certain numbers and good about others? Why do I compare mine to other peoples? And why do people feel so compelled to share theirs, unsolicited but worked into the conversation nonetheless? Why do we care about numbers so much? I know we're trained to notice numbers, and to track them, and to understand their meaning. I've been trained to use numbers as guides and tools in my health care. I've been trained to shoot for certain numbers and to react to certain numbers and to notice the patterns of the numbers, to change my behavior, my choices, my life in relation to numbers. But no one has ever come out and said I should feel anything beyond the information they provide. Even so, I realized recently how much more meaning I attach to my numbers beyond the information they are designed to provide. I realize that I attach a judgement of my character to my blood sugar and A1C numbers, like some kind of cosmic grade about whether I am a good person or not.

Huh?

Wow.

Where is that coming from? Certainly not from my doctor or my husband or my friends or the OC. So if not from them, then from where? And more importantly, why? No one says I should feel the way I sometimes feel about numbers. In fact, they often say I shouldn't. There is no good reason to attach this extra meaning to a 6 or a 7 or a 5 but even so, I do it anyway sometimes.

Wow. Now that's really good information. To actually see that I'm doing that. To see it clearly. Because now that I see it, I can work on it. I can work on noticing and using the numbers as information and guides. And that's all. I can notice when 1) I see a number, and then 2) I feel like a failure or a bad person. I can work at stopping at 1) and not going to 2). Because the fact is that 2) is not true and to feel so, even unconsciously, doesn't help in any way (and in fact, makes it worse than it needs to be). So here's to a new equation. One where numbers are just numbers. Neutral, a source of information and positive motivation and inspiration, a guidepost and just a moment in time, and that's all. And that's all. Ah, now that's a noble goal!

another see-saw.

I've been thinking about numbers lately. My last A1C wasn't as fabulous as it could have been. They're still fine but not where they've been and not where I want them to be. But after 20 + years, I know the drill. And quite frankly, I'm not over-revving on the situation too much. This happens. It will get better because I'll work at it more or something out of my hands will change or fall will come and it will be easier to manage. This disease is about flow. Going with it, pacing reactions, taking a deep breath and letting it play itself out. It's weird but I have a level of nonchalance about this which is very, very new for me. I'm trusting the process and looking long. It's taken a long time to get here but I think it's a good place to be.

Having said that, I realize too, that even with my new found attitude, I still worry. I get that too. The worry is motivation, the guardrail on the other side of nonchalance. There is a balancing act here (isn't there always with diabetes) between the worry that negatively colors living and the nonchalance that can become denial. I used to just worry but now I guess I'm striking a better balance between the two now and it feels different. Better, weird, different. Nonchalance and worry. Yet another see-saw to experience with diabetes.

game changed.

Regardless of whether this ever gets made, I have tears in my eyes because of this post from adaptive path and Amy is yet again, my hero. 'Nuff said.

writing when I can.

There is an irony I find in writing a blog about diabetes. I realize that I spend so much time dealing with diabetes in my day, every flipping day, that sometimes I don't have the energy to choose to do one more thing around the subject of diabetes. I realize that there is a deep, fundamental push and pull in my life with this disease. Me testing how far I can get away from the reality of it's presence in my life. Tethered forever, but always trying, tip-toeing as far away as I can get before it tugs me back. I've even been trying to visualize that idea, though it's not finished or really even formulated yet. What does this feeling look like if it were a picture? That question and the act of making the idea "real" through art, helps me to see and better understand what I am doing. Which helps me to understand the lean of my life. Which is always away. From the blood tests and low or high bloodsugars and set changes and unending planning and the diabetes subtitle dialogue running just below my life.

So sometimes, I can't get up to write about diabetes too. I can write about art and design and my dogs every day at dear ada. Every single day for the last 2 years, barring breaks for surgery and travel. That process is purely celebratory and joyful. And though this blog is that too, it is also always in relation to a deep and sometimes buried, heart felt sadness and lean away from diabetes in my life. The joy comes from the connections and shared experiences. The celebrations are the milestones and victories. There is humor and even a new, coping philosophy to be found in the process of writing about diabetes. And then of course, there is the unending comfort the blog provides in knowing that I am not alone in life with this disease. Others know of "what I speak", and amazingly they reliably know what to say when it's most needed. My husband says that people who don't have diabetes can sympathize but never truly empathize because they don't share the same references and experiences. But the OC does. They empathize and comfort and always get it. I was struck by a comment from Scott the other day, where he was acknowledging the struggles of our disease. Not my disease, but our disease. That one word made all the difference in reminding me yet again, that I was not alone.

So I guess this post is simply a clarification as to why I don't write more than I do. It's all that I can muster. It's so good and satisfying to do it when I feel like it, but it's also one of the few places I can say no to diabetes. Yes today, no tomorrow and the next. That's good you know. To have a place where you can actually say that and have it stick. I guess that's another good thing about having this blog which is ironic really. It's good to write a blog I get to not write at times.

totally off my game.

We're in the middle of some remodeling and it's totally got me off my game. I'm not a particularly neat person, but I am definitely a home body, so having my haven of calm disrupted by torn up walls, sheet rock, sheet rock dust, torn up floors, rooms full of displaced furniture from the rooms being remodeled, all adds up to a major rattling of my cage. Which is normal I guess but as with most normal things, diabetes adds another fun filled layer that can shift an experience from annoying to physically challenging and even dangerous. Case in point. Over the last 3 days I've made mistakes that I've literally never made before now. And not just one. Many, all in a row. What's going on here? I've forgotten to take my dinner insulin dose resulting in a 350 b/s at bedtime, resulting in another 340 b/s in the middle of the night and then a crash in the early morning because I over judged how much insulin I needed. Hi zombie woman the next day. Then last night I forgot to reattach my pump after a bath, discovering the mistake at bedtime, an error that would have meant a high b/s under normal circumstances but for some reason in this case, I was 56 so it didn't actually matter so much except for the freak out factor of realizing I'd forgotten to reattach the pump in the first place. Excuse me? Then this morning, it was time to change out the site, a fact that I had noted last night, this morning before my shower, and again after my shower as I was getting dressed. Normally I'd change out the site before I left for work, which I planned to do as usual today. Right. I got to work, picked up some breakfast, went to bolus and remembered that yes, I needed to change out my pump this morning but hadn't. Luckily, I had enough insulin left to cover the meal so I bolused, called my lovely husband and asked him to drop by some fresh insulin on his way to work because the vial I had with me was ancient. In the past I have never, I mean never, been in this position before, so frankly I'd forgot to change out the vial in the last year. Wow. I'm most definitely off my attention game here. Which makes me realize how much I'm usually on it (and for what it's worth, how much I hate remodeling). But ultimately, it really reminds me of how much I need to pay attention at times when my routine is out of sync. Because, though the situation at hand is most definitely annoying, given the right circumstances, diabetes can make it become a lot worse. After all, there's no negotiating with diabetes here. If you mess up, you mess up and pay the consequences. Period. Boy I hope the new floors, pretty picture window and big open, sunny room will be worth it. I'm sure it will be, if I don't land myself in the hospital or something stupid like that before it's done! Yikes.

head in the clouds.

I love this image of sky from ace jet 170, because it reminds me of so many helpful metaphors. The benefits of "looking up". The importance of "blue sky" thinking. The idea that it's normal for things to constantly change, like "clouds in the sky". These are all useful adages for me lately in terms of my diabetes. It's been a bit better over the last week, a little more reliable, though still wonky at times too. I'm really trying to take the long view where I can and ride the inevitable waves, rather than sweat each particular up or down. To be frank, it's actually helping. The one constant of my disease is that it ebbs and flows, easy some days, not so much on others. Focusing on the long view seems to be helping me be gentler on myself when it's not going so well. It's also helping me be smart when I want to tempt fate (think cookies or cake or pie here) after it's been good for a couple of days. So I'm encouraging myself to spend a little more time "looking up", focusing on the long view and celebrating the beauty of the sky. No harm in that if it makes things a bit better after all, right?