what's in a number?

What is it with numbers? Why do I feel so bad about certain numbers and good about others? Why do I compare mine to other peoples? And why do people feel so compelled to share theirs, unsolicited but worked into the conversation nonetheless? Why do we care about numbers so much? I know we're trained to notice numbers, and to track them, and to understand their meaning. I've been trained to use numbers as guides and tools in my health care. I've been trained to shoot for certain numbers and to react to certain numbers and to notice the patterns of the numbers, to change my behavior, my choices, my life in relation to numbers. But no one has ever come out and said I should feel anything beyond the information they provide. Even so, I realized recently how much more meaning I attach to my numbers beyond the information they are designed to provide. I realize that I attach a judgement of my character to my blood sugar and A1C numbers, like some kind of cosmic grade about whether I am a good person or not.

Huh?

Wow.

Where is that coming from? Certainly not from my doctor or my husband or my friends or the OC. So if not from them, then from where? And more importantly, why? No one says I should feel the way I sometimes feel about numbers. In fact, they often say I shouldn't. There is no good reason to attach this extra meaning to a 6 or a 7 or a 5 but even so, I do it anyway sometimes.

Wow. Now that's really good information. To actually see that I'm doing that. To see it clearly. Because now that I see it, I can work on it. I can work on noticing and using the numbers as information and guides. And that's all. I can notice when 1) I see a number, and then 2) I feel like a failure or a bad person. I can work at stopping at 1) and not going to 2). Because the fact is that 2) is not true and to feel so, even unconsciously, doesn't help in any way (and in fact, makes it worse than it needs to be). So here's to a new equation. One where numbers are just numbers. Neutral, a source of information and positive motivation and inspiration, a guidepost and just a moment in time, and that's all. And that's all. Ah, now that's a noble goal!

Comments

[Minnesota Nice]

Oooooohhhhhhh..........the numbers.
I really liked what Scott Strumello said a couple weeks ago, that numbers simply "tell us what to do next".
No more, no less.1

[Scott K. Johnson]

Great post. I too attach those same meanings to equally meaningless numbers.

I'm going to try to shift to the long view too.

[Jayne]

Yes....yes....numbers give me stress! Thank you for revealing it anew...I am going to change what I do.

[Kevin]

Honest and perfect.
Thanks.

[RichW]

Great approach. Having diabetes is a lifetime of being in school. Always hoping our quiz or test grade was within an acceptable range. There was a judgment associated with those numbers as well.

[Amylia]

Thank you for ironing this out. Sometimes just to see it in print helps. It's the same with many numbers. Not just blood glucose levels or AIC results. Weight. Balance in my bank book. Age. Etc.

In fact, I just met a diabetic who told me she drinks regular soda and I wanted to pass judgement on her, like lady, what's wrong with you? You drink Regular Coke? I may eat twizzlers but I always drink diet coke. So ridiculous!!! Wow...I find my little judgements of myself and others so harsh sometimes. Especially myself.

[birdie]

What I find so amazing is how easy it for me to get hard on myself on some small detail of diabetes management but then forget to give myself credit for doing all it takes to live with this disease on a day to day basis. I'm trying to really see that second piece more and honor what it means in my life. To be frank, connecting with the OC has helped me do that more because everyday I see and am so moved by the courage and strength of character of the others I find there. If courage and grace and strength exists in other people's journey with diabetes, it logically follows that exists within us too. My goal is less self criticism and more celebration of what we achieve every day, regardless of the specific numbers.

[Jayne]

"Less self criticism and more celebration" That sounds wonderful. Your posts are not just helpful, they are D-lightful.

[AmyT]

Oh goodness, Birdie, we say almost this exact same thing in our "Know Your Numbers" book. Really: It's cut the guilt, use the # as information, and move on!

Love your style, as always...