I'm going to apologize up front here. I need to whine for a bit. It's necessary sometimes. So here it is. One of those posts.
You see I'm so downright tired. I'm tired of all the choices and issues and roadblocks that diabetes presents in my life. Pure and simple.
Case in point, the continuous glucose monitoring system. On the one hand, I'm not thrilled about the idea of having yet another thing attached to my body. It took me a long time to make the leap to the pump in the first place. I'm not an early adopter when it comes to this kind of thing. All this technology is a bit creepy to me even though it often ends up making sense in the long run. It's just not where I naturally go at the start.
On the other hand, I could use some more data and feedback about what's going on with my bloodsugars. On the weekends, it's lot's of lows because I'm more active than during the week. I try to adjust but every activity is a little different and every result consequently, is also a little different. I'm thinking that better data will allow for better decision making. My doctor thinks so too and is encouraging me to make the leap. I'm at least hoping that the sensor will help because I'm tired of all the lows, day and night. I'm tired of how tired they make me feel.
So all things being equal, I've finally landed on trying the sensor. It's a close call but I'm thinking that it makes the most sense given what goes on with me. I'm thinking that the trade off will result in better information which will translate into better choices which will result in a better life. That's the goal at least, right?
BUT. Unfortunately, the continuous glucose monitor is not covered by my primary insurance company. They say it's and "experimental devise" and as such I have to buy it out of my own pocket. It's very expensive of course. What's worse is that they say if I buy it now as an unapproved, "experimental" devise, and then sometime in the future they cover it, they will still not cover any sensors going forward because I bought the devise before it was approved. But they have no idea if they will ever cover the device in future. So it's looking like this is a decision with significant, long term financial ramifications, on top of everything else I need to consider.
So it's back again to lot's of decisions to make. Back again to more diabetes pros and cons. Pros and cons and choices that have physical, financial, lifestyle and psychological ramifications. More stuff to navigate and assess and consider and decide about. More diabetes stuff to deal with.
All this makes me tired. It's not like I am thrilled about the devise in the first place. But I've moved through the decision process, which has taken time and some consideration. I'm resigned to the fact that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks. Which is good but a tiring process nonetheless. But then, even with that decision made, there are now more roadblocks and phone calls and decisions and ramifications to manage. I'm tired all over again. It's been 21 years of this dance. Coming to terms with realities and technologies and institutions and rules and hoops and negotiations and other people's ignorance (or insensitivity or vested interest in not helping). I've built my case with insurance companies and hospital staff and pharmacies. I've negotiated with myself over activities and blood tests and meals and shots and pumps and sensors and spontenaity. I've rallied and powered through, navigated and adjusted. And I have to say that I'm just plain tired from it all.
I'm sure I'll find the energy to deal with the sensor saga ahead of me. I'm sure, because I've felt this worn out before and I know that you just have to dust off, and start again. But before I do that, I'm going to slow down for a bit. Rest up and restore. Take it easy and prepare. Prepare for the next challenge on the diabetes horizon.