aiming for grace

it goes without saying.

I have to admit that I've been a bit reticent to write since my last post was so positive. I have always felt a pressure to have a upbeat attitude about my diabetes. People like it that way. Hell, I like it that way. So it's a little hard to come off a positive place and be well, frustrated or sad. I feel like I should just be quiet at times like these and keep it to myself. Which is also OK sometimes. Sometimes the feelings just pass through. No need to make them bigger than they are.

But. It's been a rough couple of weeks. Lot's of highs. And that's got me down and frustrated. I had to travel last week, and that always adversely affects my b/s control. High, high, high. This last week has been crazed at work and at home too. I'm running to keep up with all that is going on. And for some reason, I'm low in the day and high at night. Why, I ask myself? Why, why, why? I don't have the sensor yet so it's experiment time. Up my basal at night. See what happens. Last night I was low at bedtime so I had to have a snack, so unfortunately this morning, I'm high again. And the mystery continues. We'll see how tonight goes. We'll see.

I'd be lying if I didn't say that this stuff bums me out. It nags at the back of my mind during the day. I know I need to be patient and that it will get figured out. But for now at least, I'm having trouble not being frustrated. My recent words keep coming back to me. "Look at the long view", "go with the flow". Well I'm looking and I'm flowing but man, I like it better when I'm doing that and my blood sugars are good! It's easy to be accepting when things are going well. Not so much when they're not.

But I guess that goes without saying. Sigh.

not resignation but acceptance.

I realized the other day, that what's been happening lately is that I'm reaching another level of acceptance about having diabetes. For a while, the word that came up for me about the place I'm in, was resignation. A bit like crying uncle. Like that moment when you're arm wrestling with someone and you realize there's no way you're going to win the match. You just let go and bam, your fist is on the table. But after a lot of thought, I'm seeing that what's really happening here isn't resignation but rather, a deepening of acceptance. Acceptance about having diabetes and all that it means. Yes, there are days of fatigue or days of frustration whether it be with blood sugars or medical institutions. But there are also days when I don't notice diabetes so much. This is what my life is like. Ebbs and flows that never stop.

I have also realized that with this acceptance comes a new, strengthening calm. A quiet relief in not fighting the unwinnable part of the battle so hard and just going with the flow. I'll get the sensor and let it give me the information I need. I'll take the days off when I need to rejuvenate. I'll relish the beauty and goodness in my life and lead with the things I can control. I've felt a new quiet lately and what I'm hearing now is a whisper from deep down inside that says it's all going to be ok. Soft. Quiet. Calm.

tired.

I'm going to apologize up front here. I need to whine for a bit. It's necessary sometimes. So here it is. One of those posts.

You see I'm so downright tired. I'm tired of all the choices and issues and roadblocks that diabetes presents in my life. Pure and simple.

Case in point, the continuous glucose monitoring system. On the one hand, I'm not thrilled about the idea of having yet another thing attached to my body. It took me a long time to make the leap to the pump in the first place. I'm not an early adopter when it comes to this kind of thing. All this technology is a bit creepy to me even though it often ends up making sense in the long run. It's just not where I naturally go at the start.

On the other hand, I could use some more data and feedback about what's going on with my bloodsugars. On the weekends, it's lot's of lows because I'm more active than during the week. I try to adjust but every activity is a little different and every result consequently, is also a little different. I'm thinking that better data will allow for better decision making. My doctor thinks so too and is encouraging me to make the leap. I'm at least hoping that the sensor will help because I'm tired of all the lows, day and night. I'm tired of how tired they make me feel.

So all things being equal, I've finally landed on trying the sensor. It's a close call but I'm thinking that it makes the most sense given what goes on with me. I'm thinking that the trade off will result in better information which will translate into better choices which will result in a better life. That's the goal at least, right?

BUT. Unfortunately, the continuous glucose monitor is not covered by my primary insurance company. They say it's and "experimental devise" and as such I have to buy it out of my own pocket. It's very expensive of course. What's worse is that they say if I buy it now as an unapproved, "experimental" devise, and then sometime in the future they cover it, they will still not cover any sensors going forward because I bought the devise before it was approved. But they have no idea if they will ever cover the device in future. So it's looking like this is a decision with significant, long term financial ramifications, on top of everything else I need to consider.

So it's back again to lot's of decisions to make. Back again to more diabetes pros and cons. Pros and cons and choices that have physical, financial, lifestyle and psychological ramifications. More stuff to navigate and assess and consider and decide about. More diabetes stuff to deal with.

All this makes me tired. It's not like I am thrilled about the devise in the first place. But I've moved through the decision process, which has taken time and some consideration. I'm resigned to the fact that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks. Which is good but a tiring process nonetheless. But then, even with that decision made, there are now more roadblocks and phone calls and decisions and ramifications to manage. I'm tired all over again. It's been 21 years of this dance. Coming to terms with realities and technologies and institutions and rules and hoops and negotiations and other people's ignorance (or insensitivity or vested interest in not helping). I've built my case with insurance companies and hospital staff and pharmacies. I've negotiated with myself over activities and blood tests and meals and shots and pumps and sensors and spontenaity. I've rallied and powered through, navigated and adjusted. And I have to say that I'm just plain tired from it all.

I'm sure I'll find the energy to deal with the sensor saga ahead of me. I'm sure, because I've felt this worn out before and I know that you just have to dust off, and start again. But before I do that, I'm going to slow down for a bit. Rest up and restore. Take it easy and prepare. Prepare for the next challenge on the diabetes horizon.

what to lead with?

What do I lead with?

When I woke up this morning, having been up a couple of times with a very high blood sugar during the night, I thought about this question. I've had nights like last night a thousand times before. Sometimes, if it's days in a row like it can be, I feel defeated and tired. Other times, when it's a result of something I've done, like eat the wrong food or thrown caution to the wind as we all do on occasion, I just feel resigned to the result. And still other times, when I have no clue as to why it's happened, I just feel stupid or confused.

Whatever the reason, and really whatever the feeling the next day, I am coming to realize that I always have a choice as to what I lead with. After 20 + years of doing this dance, it's hard to remember that sometimes. Do I lead with diabetes or do I just get on with the day? Sometimes the diabetes aspect of my life crowds out this truth and I forget I have a choice. Other times, I do think it makes sense to lead with diabetes because it is burdensome and fatiguing and pretending it isn't so, exacts it's own kind of toll. But most times, like this morning, I think it's best to lead with the promise of the day ahead. I think today I'll focus on all the possibilities and try to quiet the noise of diabetes where I can. I'll deal with the technical issues at hand, like I always have to do. And then I'll move on quickly. Yes, I'm tired this morning and yes, I'm bummed that I didn't figure it out last night, but heh, today's a new day and I'm sick of the tyranny of diabetes. As much as I can today, I'm silencing it's nagging noise and moving on. And really, in the end, isn't that the goal of living well with this disease? Isn't it about attending to it's demands and then silencing it as much as possible, so we can get on with the living of the rest of our lives?

And anyway, today is a holiday, so luckily there can be a luxurious nap in my future. Happy days.