The desire to fit in can subtly turn into a pressure that tempts you to do stuff you might regret later on. Like yesterday when I showed up to a party and was suddenly face to face with a plate full of cupcakes I'd avoid under any other circumstance. Wanting to fit in can mean something as small as eating a cupcake because it's a birthday celebration and who wants to pass up being a part of the crowd at a time like that? It can mean eating a cupcake even though I know I shouldn't.
I know that it's no one's fault. Other people shouldn't have to change their parties or meals for me just because I'm the odd person out. Just because I'm the one with diabetes. And usually that's ok and it just doesn't matter in the great scheme of things. Usually I can pass on the cupcake or plates of dessert and celebrate with the best of them.
But sometimes not. Once in a while I succumb to the pressure I feel to fit in and enjoy the dessert just like everyone else. And sometimes I simply succumb to the temptation of that sweet cupcake right there in front of me. That sweet cupcake that I'd have never considered otherwise, had I not wanted to join the party in the first place. Suddenly I want that sweet cupcake, no matter what the consequences.
Well, no matter the consequences, at that moment. Later on, when the celebration's over and I'm dropping to 50 because I've over bolused in trying to cover for the cupcake, and then rebounding to 350 an hour after that, I'm pretty sure I'm the only one at that particular party. At this point I know I don't fit in because though I look like everyone else on the outside, inside it's a bloodsugar roller coaster, and I'm the only one there experiencing the ride.
It's also at this point, I'm not so sure that chasing the dream of fitting in this way or succumbing to that 3 minutes of sweet cupcake heaven is ever really worth it. Maybe it is once in a while, maybe not. I'm not really sure. What I do know is that I've done this dance before and I'll probably do it again. Fitting in, joining in, diving in, giving in. What does that mean with diabetes? What does that mean for me?
And again, I'm not really sure.