fitting in, giving in.

The desire to fit in can subtly turn into a pressure that tempts you to do stuff you might regret later on. Like yesterday when I showed up to a party and was suddenly face to face with a plate full of cupcakes I'd avoid under any other circumstance. Wanting to fit in can mean something as small as eating a cupcake because it's a birthday celebration and who wants to pass up being a part of the crowd at a time like that? It can mean eating a cupcake even though I know I shouldn't.

I know that it's no one's fault. Other people shouldn't have to change their parties or meals for me just because I'm the odd person out. Just because I'm the one with diabetes. And usually that's ok and it just doesn't matter in the great scheme of things. Usually I can pass on the cupcake or plates of dessert and celebrate with the best of them.

But sometimes not. Once in a while I succumb to the pressure I feel to fit in and enjoy the dessert just like everyone else. And sometimes I simply succumb to the temptation of that sweet cupcake right there in front of me. That sweet cupcake that I'd have never considered otherwise, had I not wanted to join the party in the first place. Suddenly I want that sweet cupcake, no matter what the consequences.

Well, no matter the consequences, at that moment. Later on, when the celebration's over and I'm dropping to 50 because I've over bolused in trying to cover for the cupcake, and then rebounding to 350 an hour after that, I'm pretty sure I'm the only one at that particular party. At this point I know I don't fit in because though I look like everyone else on the outside, inside it's a bloodsugar roller coaster, and I'm the only one there experiencing the ride.

It's also at this point, I'm not so sure that chasing the dream of fitting in this way or succumbing to that 3 minutes of sweet cupcake heaven is ever really worth it. Maybe it is once in a while, maybe not. I'm not really sure. What I do know is that I've done this dance before and I'll probably do it again. Fitting in, joining in, diving in, giving in. What does that mean with diabetes? What does that mean for me?

And again, I'm not really sure.

Comments

[In Search Of Balance]

I do that too. Even with my knowledge of probably cause and effect, there are still a few things that I are hard to decline, for a number of reasons. And it's never really worth it, for me.

I'm sorry the cupcake didn't go as planned. I wish there was a time out button where we could eat a cupcake once a month or something.

[Amylia]

Oh, I've done that way too many times. Living in Taiwan, I often eat poorly because I don't want to offend people or explain to ignorant ears about my diabets. It's silly, and it hurts no one but me. I actually had a long conversation with my friend over why I ALWAYS leave rice in the bowl. Always, without fail. They really thought I was rude, and told me stories about how how much rice you leave in the bowl determines how handsome or ugly your spouse will be (silly wivestale). Once I explained my diabaetes in excrutiating detail (for me), he understood, but he told me that before that time, he really thought I was odd and a little rude for leaving so much food and rice in the bowl.

Ahhh.....I guess I want to tell you it's okay, and I support you and love reading your posts and thank you for writing honestly about giving in sometimes.

[Mollie]

I've done that too. I think trying to fit in for me, means that when there is a party or something, I can just have a bite, i don't always have to eat the whole thing, but to feel like I'm not left out or excluding myself from this moment in time feels okay, becuase I know that one bite won't give me that much trouble.

I wish we could all take a vacation from this once in a while.

Great post, I can totally relate. :) Thanks for writing! :)

-Mollie

[Kevin]

Great post.

I have had an idea bouncing around my head for sometime now about how people in general (and myself specifically(and other diabetics, perhaps?)) are awful at evaluating the balance between short-term gratification and long-term costs.

It's near impossible to do an off-the-cuff cost-benefit between the endorphin pleasure that cupcake delivers and the blood sugar roller coaster ride it also takes us on (or even worse, a more severe diabetic complication 10 years down the line from an accumulation of similar miscalculations).

My basic hypothesis is that people (myself most certainly included here) do not appropriately value their future health.

So far, my only idea for a solution is to focus on better habits.

[Jayne]

Ah...I am not well tonight because I wanted to fit in and compliment the hostess today...belittle my "diabetes" and tell friends I'm not really that different. I'm sorry now. That is the last time I do that. From now on I pay homage to the D and I will feel better for it. Those sweet little delicacies are no friend to us.

[Minnesota Nice]

I guess I'd call it "diabetes wisdom" - despite the liberalization in food plans and carb counting, we really cannot do anything other than "guess" about how much insulin is needed to cover a treat loaded with simple sugars
Sometmes we guess right. When we don't, there are uncomfortable consequences. The diabetes wisdom is knowing when the cupcake is truly important versus just a "passing fancy". I believe that yes, in certain circumstances, cupcakes are important. Then we enjoy it, and deal with the aftermath as it presents itself. Sometimes the soul just needs a cupcake. With sprinkles.