asking for what you need.

I heard a woman speak recently about the need to ask for what you want, to ask for the kind of recognition and feedback you need from the people who matter to you. It wasn't a long speech, 3 minutes perhaps, but it really struck me deeply nonetheless. Her point was that it's our responsibility on some level, to bring visibility to the things we need, to ourselves and others. Though people might not always respond to us in the way we want, the most important thing is that we've made our needs known to ourselves, out loud, in the light of day. I like that. I think it makes sense.

So in that spirit, I approached my 22nd anniversary of my diagnosis a little differently this time. Normally I don't tell anyone about it. My husband knows and now, thanks to this blog, I can tell my friends in the diabetes OC and they too understand how significant that is. That is normally enough. And quite frankly, the subject is an awkward one with anyone beyond this forum. I've never exactly known how to say to my friends or family that "today is the anniversary of getting diagnosed with a difficult disease". I imagined that they wouldn't know what to say and everyone would just feel more awkward around an already difficult subject and given the significance of the day, who needs that?

But as I say, I decided to try something different this time, thanks to that little 3 minute talk I heard the other day. I decided to let my brother know the importance of the day even though he's never really engaged with me much around my disease. My brother and I haven't always been super close though he's really important to me and I know we love each other a lot just the same. I was 27 when I was diagnosed and had already lived separately from him for many years. In a weird way he, like the rest of my family really, understands intellectually that I have diabetes, but practically speaking has no idea what that really means. He's never seen me struggle with low blood sugars or curse the inevitable highs. He's never watched me take a blood test thousands of times over or insert a new pump site, or rip one out either. No, my brother really has no reference point as to what the last 22 years have really been about.

My brother lives in another city so I emailed him last Thursday about something else we'd been discussing and then at the end of the note, simply mentioned that today was my 22nd anniversary of my diagnosis of diabetes. I said I was proud of how I'd handled it but sad about the experience too. That was it. I pushed the send button and went off to a day full of meetings. When I returned to my desk around 4:00, to my surprise, a gorgeous bouquet of multi-colored tulips was there to greet me. My brother, who has never been good at remembering birthday's or anniversaries, my brother, who is not demonstrative in that way, did the absolute, perfect thing. He noticed and acted. Because I'd opened up the possibility for him to do so, he did so. Because I let him in on my world, he had the chance to be kind and supportive back. He didn't have to know the details, he just had to know what was important to me.

On the card that accompanied the bouquet there was a note from him saying how proud he was of me for doing so well with this difficult disease. To say that I cried is an understatement. The fact that he understood this and that he felt pride in my approach, meant so much to me. I know it sounds silly, but I really didn't know that he felt that way. We haven't talked about my diabetes much in the past so to find this out, to see it in words and gesture, really made my heart skip. One small act of sharing, allowed for another act that not only made my day better, but also taught me something important about my brother. Even though he hasn't been a part of my day to day struggle, he has noticed in his way. I guess the world isn't always how it appears at first glance. I guess it's worth asking for what you need every once in a while. In this case, it most certainly was!

Comments

[Colleen]

That is a very nice brother! And you're so good to give him the opportunity to recognize your achievements.

[Bernard Farrell]

He did a good job of 'listening' to that e-mail of yours.

Recognizing this day is so strange. Even with diabetes I never know whether to say congratulations. For what? Making it this far despite diabetes?

If you've any ideas, I'd love to know. I really appreciate your thinking and writing on this subject and on life with diabetes in general.

I've always thought that "Aiming for grace" is a perfect name for your blog. It seems to be you try to handle your diabetes in a graceful way AND suggest to others how it could be dealt with even more gracefully. I find your posts are always thought provoking for me.

Your story made me tear up. I think seeing your brother hear what's going on and lend support and recognition was very touching. Thank you for sharing this with us.

May your next year of living with diabetes
Be a warm calm still ocean
May you only encounter a few brief storms
May you grow in strength and wisdom
So your encounter with those storms
Is brief and your recovery
Is swift leaving you better able
To deal handle the future.

[Minnesota Nice]

What an incredible story, Birdie. And, what a guy that brother is.

[Allison Blass]

My brother is only 18 so I don't think he's quite that observant, but hopefully someday he'll be like your brother and be thoughtful. What a really nice surprise!

[CALpumper]

Wonderfully put Birdie.

Thank you again for your perspective.
I have struggled with this myself, "approaching" my family about the simple but important "strides" in living with diabetes.

You inspire me with your posts every time.
Thank you and way to go!

[Amylia]

Oh, Birdie. I am so proud of you, and so glad your brother responded in such a lovely way. I am crying right now as I read this, imagining your surprise and happiness at having the struggle of living every moment with t1 acknowledged and applauded.

I am so happy. Thanks for posting this.

[Gayle]

I had the same reaction as Amylia. What a touching post!! Thank you so much for sharing.

[Scott K. Johnson]

What a great and supportive thing to do.

I think it is very hard for those outside "the club" to appreciate all that it takes to keep going, and to receive that beautiful display of appreciation and pride from your brother is really touching.

I also like Bernard's poem too!

All the best!

[birdie]

Thank you all so much. Your kind words simply warm my heart!

And a special thank you to Bernard for his lovely poem. Not surprisingly, I misted up when I read it. I feel so very lucky to receive such a kind gift! Thank you!

[JoAnn]

So touching and thoughtful -- the actions of that brother of yours! I cried and still feel a sense of happiness at the thought of you seeing the bouquet for the first time. Most of what I tell people about my diabetes is that it is "chronic" and "I'm just use to it by now (15 years)". For the most part that is true but I feel different than others, worry when I take walks by myself, worry that the horrible lows will creep in at the worst possible moment. Thanks for the reminder to tell people what you need -- absolutely -- they cannot read our minds!

[rebecca]

I'm a weeper anyway. :) But that totally made me cry. Kudos to your brother! Also, those markers are important. For better or worse our challenges make us who we are. Like you were talking about in the John Hockenberry post, finding out something like that is a sort of passing of the old you into the new you. The you with diabetes. I have my own stuff, like anyone, and there are absolutely before and afters. I commend you for choosing to be vulnerable about something that is an unchangeable part of you. It can be really weird to put that out there. But it gives you power.

All the best.