The other day I noticed something about what I notice. I always notice when I haven't done something right in terms of my diabetes. I notice when I don't correct a high accurately or I've over eaten to counter a low. I notice when I over bolus to cover for a treat or on the other hand, don't bolus enough to cover it. I always notice when I get it wrong.
Last weekend I had a bad low after a day full of gardening. One of those lows that feels like I'm never going to recover, sweaty, panicky, desperate. It's usually during a scary low like this that I overate in the immediate effort to get my blood sugar back to normal. Which was the case this time and I knew I'd pay later in the night with a rebound. At bed I was an acceptable 145 but as predicted was up later in the night with a 300+ blood sugar. At night I become very insulin sensitive and consequently need to take less insulin to cover a high than I do during the day. Which can be challenging to remember when I'm groggy and tired in the middle of the night. But this time I did remember and took the right amount for the night and promptly went back to bed. In the morning, my blood sugar was a happy 98 and I set about my day as I normally would. Walked the dogs, took a shower and got ready for work. And then a funny thing happened. I just stopped in my tracks. I realized something I hadn't noticed before. I had got it right the night before, pure and simple. Not wrong but right, as I had done so many times before. What was different this time was I noticed. I actually noticed that I had got it right.
What occurs to me is what a different feeling I'd have about having diabetes if I noticed all the little successes a bit more. Imagine if I noticed more of the times I got it right and celebrated those moments just as enthusiastically as I berate myself when I get it wrong. The sheer number of little successes it takes to keep my blood sugar in control easily outweighs the occasional mistakes. When I look at the picture this way it occurs to me that the noise and pain I've let surround my mistakes may really be out of proportion. If I let the weight of every 90 blood sugar or perfectly counted carb ratio or correctly figured correction bolus have more value in the overall equation of my diabetes control, the times when I don't get it right become so much more the exception than the rule. A small glitch, not a failure. A slip against a backdrop of getting so much right with a difficult disease.
And maybe at the end of the day, seeing it that way would really be getting it right overall!