I haven't felt like writing much lately. I'm not exactly sure why. Is it because it's summer? Or because I'm so busy at work lately? Or just that I have nothing particularly interesting to say on the subject? That I feel tapped out on my story of diabetes? That I imagine that I've said everything that I have to say, at least for now?
Well it's probably some of the above, but in truth I think it's also another thing that's at play here. Something has changed inside of me regarding my diabetes. It's been happening over the last couple of years I've realized. Slowly, quietly, inside, I've become more comfortable, or at least more in accordance with having diabetes. From the inside out. It's happened because of writing this blog I think, because of having the chance to write and write and write, regardless of what I needed to say, regardless of when I needed to say it. As I've let all the sadness and frustration and anger and fatigue flow outside of me, what's replaced it is this a kind of acceptance, a space where there once was a churn of emotion and noise. Over time I've come to feel more whole as a person regardless of having diabetes, whole in spite of it and yes, in truth, whole because of it too.
This new sense of alignment, acceptance and integration has begun to change how my actual days now feel. There's a new feeling of deep normalcy about my life with diabetes, where there once was only profound resistance and discord. A feeling like this is how life is now, just is, normal and expected. Up and down, more impact and then less, normal life with diabetes. And the funny thing is that the world seems to be responding to that feeling coming from inside me. The normalcy I feel inside has translated to a new willingness to share my experience with others when it's natural, when it makes sense. People are asking more questions and seem really interested. They seem to genuinely care about what I have to say about diabetes, my experience, my feelings. And though this doesn't replace what I get on this blog, it certainly helps me to feel a lot less lonely and isolated in my everyday life. By practicing my voice here, I seem to have found it in my day to day life. By exploring what I really think about diabetes here, I have honed my point of view so I seem to present my thoughts to the world with a new clarity and self assurance. It's like there's a new equilibrium between my internal experience of diabetes and my outside expression of it. A new equilibrium and calm.
Which may be why I've felt less compelled to write lately. I don't know for sure. I'm sure there will be more to talk about soon enough. But for now the pace seems ok. It feels just right.
And of course, it also could just be the fact that it's summer and I actually really don't have anything very interesting to say. Ha!