trade-offs.

 

Trade-offs. 

I think they're the essence of my life with diabetes. I navigate this disease by constantly weighing the trade-off of one choice over another. Very tight control may stave off complications in the future, while in the immediate, it may also limit the quality of my life from day to day. Not paying close attention to diabetes in the beginning may make a person feel unhindered by it, but complications, and all the limitations and danger they bring with them, are almost a guarantee with that approach. Obviously these are the most black and white of comparisons, but you get the idea. What exactly is the right balance, the right trade-off, I ask a hundred times a day? With the big trade-offs, and the little ones too. 

Like should I really have that handful of crispy, hot, freshly made tortilla chips? Is the delight of them now worth the probable higher blood sugar a few hours later? 

Is the desire for a longer walk with my dogs on a warm summer evening worth the risk of a possible low after bed because it's out of my usual routine? 

Should I forgo the idea of vacation because the reality of it is usually so much more work and physical struggle than just staying home?

Sometimes the answer is yes, other times it's no. Neither answer is right or wrong, each makes sense when I make the decision. The point is that life with diabetes is a series of unending trade-offs, a constant negotiation inside my head. Yes, life is like that, with or without diabetes. I get that. But what I also know is that people without diabetes don't have to consider every single thing they do to this degree. All this trade-off thought takes time and energy. It takes my attention away from just living and at the end of the day, it adds a level of poignancy and responsibility to the most mundane of things in my life. And like trade-off itself, that is both good and bad. Good because I'm reminded of the fragility (and consequently, the preciousness) of my life in everything I do, and bad because I'm reminded of the fragility (and consequently, the vulnerability) of my life with diabetes. 

Like I said, life is full of trade-offs.

Comments

[Jayne]

This hits the nail on the head for me! The whole process tires my brain out after awhile. It seems like a whole new sort of management mathematics and I get weary of it. But, you have described it artistically, and for that blessing, I thank you!

[Jane]

I have learned, since I started teaching at a scientific university, that this is the essence of engineering. There is no perfect machine, no perfect plan; all inventions involve a set of trade-offs, and a good engineer makes them thoughtfully.

Making these trade-offs is tiring, I agree, but I like to think I am more thoughtful about those chips I eat or spontaneous walks I take than those who don't struggle with a chronic illness, and I really savor them.

[birdie]

I like the word savor. Instead of seeing our lives as only being eroded because of this disease, we also get to feel it more fully, to savor it more if you will. On the really tiring days of trade-offs, I'll try to remind myself of this idea. Thank you for that!

The other thing that keeps coming up for me lately, is the idea that the fatigue we're all describing is a real and palpable thing, that it has a weight and presence about it that needs to be counted. If I count it, I can use it as something to trade-off with something else I don't need or want to do. In that light, the trade-offs can work towards a more authentic and balanced life for myself, with and in spite of diabetes. And for me, that is always the "noble goal".

[Katrin]

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. ~Woody Allen

I think this is true for me right now. I try to keep my sugars under control without endlessly obsessing over them and if I want to have that gin tonic or that ice cream every once in a while, I will. This is my trade-off. I don't know if I'll regret the way I treated my diabetes a few years down the road but my numbers are decent (could be better of course, but when is that ever not the case?) and I already lost a lot of spontaneity in my life because of this disease. So I simply refuse to give up the joy of dark chocolate chilly ice cream or all the other things I could name.

[jerusha]

thank you. without knowing, i wanted to hear this today.

:)

[Minnesota Nice]

Great post, Birdie.
Sometimes it's the internal debate and ensuing guilt that exhaust me. I went for many years and just did what I wanted, so choices did not need to be made regarding db self-care.
And now that I've pulled in the reins, I sink into that sad resignation that "this is how it has to be". Some days it's not hard - A (I have T1DM) plus B (I want to have the best health possible) = C (therefore I will not eat the fresh, crispy tortilla chips).
It is that definitive.
Other days I want a life like my "regular" friends and don't go out with them because I feel like a freak.
But, I think it was you who said something about striving for more good days than bad, and I think I'm there.......(yipee)

[Scott K. Johnson]

The never ending search for balance.

[Jayne]

I like that idea of counting the fatigue and using it as a trade-off. I so often try to ignore it. How unfair to myself is that? I need some major readjustment here. Thank you for the help!

[JoAnn]

This rang true for me too ... I even sent to a group of my family and friends to 'verbalize' what seems difficult for me to convey. Your writings just turn the thoughts into concrete expressions. Thank you for taking the time to share.

[Karen]

You write so beautifully. My mother had diabetes -she died nearly three years ago from a stroke . Reading your words at least helps me understand a little of what she was up against and coped with. It is important to me in my grieving, even years later. BLESS YOU.