diabetes marriage.

 

I love my husband very much. Not only is he a terrific person who's company I never cease enjoying, he's also been an amazing partner to me when it comes to my life with diabetes. Supportive, understanding, he's always seemed to strike the perfect balance between actively participating in my care while at the same time respecting the fact that I will ultimately make the decisions about my disease. I feel incredibly lucky to have him in my life. 

Which isn't to say that we don't struggle with the presence of diabetes in our lives at times. At the end of the day, we each are very differently impacted by the disease and not surprisingly those differences can cause friction and misunderstanding.  As in any marriage, there are particular assumptions on the part of each partner about the meaning and responsibility the intimacy of marriage brings. And lot's of trade-offs and bargains and compromises. It's part of what it takes to build a rich life together with our life partners. And in that process, we get to love and support of someone we deeply admire, the joy of companionship and deep intimacy over our lifetime, and the thrill and meaning of a life witnessed and shared. It's all so very worth it. 

And diabetes adds yet another particular layer to marriage and partnership. As the person with the disease, I experience it physically and emotionally. I deal with it's ramifications constantly and I'm tired and frustrated because of it. My husband on the other hand, has to live with the challenge of watching the his wife struggle and deal with something that will never go away. He can help to a point and then is left to observe from the outside, supporting where he can yet unable to ever truly save me from the reality of diabetes. Each of us experience diabetes differently and each of us have to cope with our experiences, sometimes together, but often alone too because of the nature of our particular vantage points to it. We both share diabetes but in such profoundly different ways. Which is reality. And sometimes, it's difficult.

The complexity that diabetes brings to all relationships is unquestionable. That it brings it to our marriages and partnerships poses deeper challenges. The guilt I feel for example, for burdening my husband with my limitations, my fatigue after a night of lows, my frustration with the world after a week of highs. None of that is his fault yet I'd be lying if I said that it doesn't slop over onto him at times. 

Or the guilt he feels when he sets off on his hiking or scuba diving adventures, happy and excited for the fun that lays ahead, but sad too that those very adventures sound like anything but to me. Sad that for me they pose more work and figuring out and planning, and that in the end, it's just more appealing to let him go off with his pals alone. It's not that this doesn't happen with couples without diabetes, but in our case at least, diabetes is the main reason we don't even try anymore. I would imagine too that he looks forward to a vacation from diabetes too, a series of days of eating when the mood takes him, of exercising until he wants to stop, not because he has to. I'm sure that makes him feel a bit guilty too.

Which is just one example of how we get entangled because of diabetes. Guilt or envy, resentment or grief. Diabetes can stir all these negative emotions up, even with the most well-adjusted, realistic and loving of couples. At the end of the day, we've found that talking about these emotions has helped us. And I deeply appreciate the fact that we can talk about them, as well as all the issues that diabetes poses. I feel validated and seen in my own singular journey with chronic illness and I feel good that I can hear and support him in his journey with it too. The talking and listening has turned diabetes into something that's brought us closer together rather than driven us apart. For that I am most grateful to my husband. Because of him and his willingness to stand beside me with my disease, to see it with eyes wide open and feel it with an open heart, we have been able to turn one possible negative of this disease into a real positive. That fact alone means more to me than words can say. Because any gift from diabetes (which takes so much) is amazing in its own right, but this one particularly, this deeper intimacy and partnership with my husband, well this one is the most special one of all. 

Comments

[ces]

This was awesome - thank you for writing about this!

[Scott K. Johnson]

Great post Birdie.

My wife is a "fixer" - she wants to DO something to FIX a problem I might be dealing with. It is such a frustrating thing with diabetes because it just doesn't work like that.

As you say, I can see her struggle with it too. Her struggles are just as valid as mine, and it is interesting to see it from her point of view.

[AmyT of www.diabetesmine.com]

OMG, what a moving post, Birdie. You once again hit it so precisely!

And Scott: I thought it was the men who were the "fixers." So often all I want is a little empathy, but he feels compelled to "fix it." Or he's super frustrated that he can't. But I know that. I just want someone to say, "it sucks, doesn't it?" and give me a hug.

[Jessica]

This is a fantastic post that really speaks to me. I get migraines very easily and my boyfriend and I have had to deal with it in similar ways. We've gone through similar feelings that you talk about--guilt on his part for being able to experience more than I do, whether it's staying out all night with friends or something as simple as drinking a coffee, resentment on my part because of the same, guilt on my part for the resentment, and a whole mess of emotions that just tangle together if you aren't careful.

[diabetes war]

all things do need a big struggle..!
since diabetes attacking my life becomes unpleasant, but after a while my life became better again because my wife always gives motivation to live and pay more attention

[diabetes]

The complexity that diabetes brings to all relationships is unquestionable, i agree with this.

Sam Nisbett