I saw my doctor this week and it was an unsatisfying visit to say the least. More struggles with my A1c, quite a shock to me given the low day to day blood sugar readings I've been getting overall. Nothing terrible, just not what I'd expected or would prefer. It's a few days later and I'm over the shock now. I've certainly been here before and I know that the best you can do is do your best, which I'm doing as I basically always have. I know too that my A1c will improve, and if I'm really honest with myself, I also know that it will be up again at some point too. It's the disease you see. It's what happens. I know this in my head (though I admit I still struggle with it in my heart).
I understand that I'm hard on myself and have high expectations. I understand that I need to find the right balance between good control and letting diabetes taking over my life. My doctor said as much. "What do I need to do given this A1c? Should I go on the sensor? Take more blood sugars?" My doctor, who means well, who understands me after all these years, who understands the balancing act we face as diabetics, basically replied, "do nothing". Just keep doing what you're doing and live your life. "Live your life". Literally, that's what he said.
I understand what he's saying and I strive for that. A good life regardless of diabetes. Or maybe because of it. I consider this a lot. And I try to let things go. But days later after the visit, I find I'm still struggling with the contradictions of my meeting with my doctor. A1c up, but don't do anything differently. Live your life, but keep you diabetes in control. I know that I can do this, that in fact it's what I do already. It's what I've done since I was diagnosed. I know this fact, but I still feel uneasy about it. I get that you just have to let go of the worry to live well. But I'm always wondering what and how much I should let go. Is it a slippery slope? If I give up caring about an A1c I'm not happy about to "live my life" will I give up caring about carb counting or a 280 blood sugar over time? Given the years that I've been doing this very delicate dance between caring and not, I'm not sure what the perfect place between them is. I'm frightened by the physical and emotional cost of not knowing that place for sure.
So where I've landed is I'll keep focusing on blood sugars, carb counting and correcting. Of course I will. It's who I am. I'm also thinking about going on the sensor again, maybe after the next A1c, depending on the result. I'm also going to continue try to accept that this is what diabetes is. Not a grade, just a disease that flows and changes. I live a life, a good life, with a disease that flows and changes. A life I love but also struggle with. One that is good in spite of AND because of diabetes.