It's been ages I know. Frankly, I just haven't had anything much to say about diabetes these past few months. Diabetes is just the same. Tough, mundane, unrelenting, boring, challenging, in balance, out of balance, annoying, invisible, demanding, devastating, manageable, fine, ok, depressing, inspiring, a current that links every hour, meal and day together. It's the same as it ever was.
I find that I just can't write about diabetes these days. I find that my personal philosophy about it is shifting to one that is more accepting while at the same time, more consoling, more willing to let diabetes really count in my decisions throughout my life. I'm also beginning to really let it count more in how I see myself. To recognize the magnitude of it's presence in my life and the fact that it has profoundly impacted my life's scope overall. In the process of this recognition, a new picture is coming into focus. A bit of a longer view of this journey. I'm starting to see that I've been inside it for so long, that it's been hard for me to see my experience of this disease from any other vantage point.
I'm pretty healthy 23+ years into this process and that's due in great part, to being so vigilant and dedicated and present with diabetes. Yes, it's been a total drag at times and yet, when I'm really honest with myself, I see that my approach has never really been up for debate for me. I set such high standards for this process right out of the shoot that I've never really stopped to give myself much credit for actually sustaining that approach to diabetes, year in and year out. I'm beginning to see that there's a real problem with this. That in not recognizing the accomplishment of staying so vigilant and engaged, means that I miss out on seeing one of the greatest personal achievements of my life. My approach actually isn't a given, it's a choice. That sitting here, at my age, healthy and full of life, isn't just a thing that "happens". It's a result of commitment and hard work and tenacity. The approach has mattered, in and of itself.
So as I say, I'm just beginning to see this idea, this view of the story, and though interesting, at this point I'm not sure what it all means. I'm not sure if it changes how I move through my life, and if it does change that, to what degree. The picture is just coming into focus. And for now, to talk about it much just doesn't feel right. Writing means editing and judging and fine tuning, and for right now, I just want to see what emerges. So I haven't written. And I don't think I will much in the near future. But that said, I'll try to post a bit here and there. To say hi or share something cool I've found. And also to say that I miss my friends here and thank you too, because knowing you're all out there, living with diabetes with grace and courage, as always, inspires and buoys me up, even if I haven't said so in a while.