aiming for grace

no or...

I think I might be a bit of a techno-phobe. That's to not say that I'm not also a big fan of technology because I really am. Frankly, I love (some) technology a lot. My computer is usually my friend. My pump has made my life significantly better. I love the internet, blogging and email. TiVo is fabulous in my book. I'm lukewarm about the cellphone but I can't live without it either, so I guess it goes in the technology thumbs up category, regardless. And yet still, I really am somewhat wary of new technology overall. Man, do I resist trying it beforehand. Partly because I'm sick of the learning curve most new technologies require, and partly because I'm convinced the new gadget won't work that well because it's the first iteration of said new technology and partly because I'm just plain nervous about having yet another new gadget to manage in my life, I think it's fair to say that I'm certainly not an "early adopter" when it comes to technological advances.

Which is fine when we're talking about entertainment or communicating with friends in a faster way. Some of the "old stuff" (translation, I've had it less than a year) works just fine even though it's not the "best". But what about when it comes to new technology that could ostensively improve my diabetes management? What about the stuff that might improve my quality of life as a diabetic, if I make the leap to the next iteration of what I already have? Or don't have yet. How do I know what the right balance is, between advancement and personal capacity to keep up with it all. Or put another way, how do I know when it's the right time to jump to the next thing?

I guess, as in most cases where choice is involved, it's kind of a personal thing. It's up to me to determine when it's the right time, by doing the homework, weighing the pros and cons and then deciding. Which makes total sense, logically. But what does logic have to do with such an unquantifiable thing as "quality of life"? How do I know if I'm making the "right choice" in a timely manner? It took me forever to decide to go on the pump, and when I finally did, my life just opened up for me. Am I wasting precious time, compromising my "quality of life", by dithering as to whether I should do it or not? All good questions. Unfortunately, no pat answer.

Yet, the more I think about it, the more it seems that maybe, in the case of diabetes and technological advances, it's just going to take some time to decide. Because often the new stuff we are talking about requires us to wear it in/on our bodies. The more adventurous and the early adopters among us will leap first, blazing the trail for others to follow. Somewhere along that trail, I'll take the leap, grateful for those who have gone before me, and once there, will sing the new technologies praises from the highest hilltop (and probably gripe a bit about the design of them too, ha!). Slow or fast, I guess with technology and diabetes, as with most things in life, it's still a personal timeline and pace we have to follow. That fact, plus the knowledge that in the end, that there is no one, perfect, right choice or pace for everyone, I'm going to try to take a deep breath, sit back and consider what feels right for me.

good choice.

A friend of mine once told me that it's important to trust the decisions you make. You assess the things you know at the time and then you pick a course of action. If new information arises that gives you pause to "change your mind" or the direction you are going in, then so be it. It's not that you got it wrong, he says, it's just that you now have more information to consider.

This has helped me a lot. Up until this conversation with my friend, I had always kind of beat myself up about "wrong" decisions I'd made, especially about diabetes. "I should have known this was going to happen", was a refrain I'd hear, subtly in the background of my struggles with keeping my bloodsugars even and in control.

So we come to yesterday. It was a beautiful, cool summer day and I was taking a walk around the garden. I'm a avid gardener and my garden is a source of great joy and peace to me. I love it. As I was meandering around I saw a weed here and pulled it. Some grass where it shouldn't be so I pulled it too. Soon I was on my knees digging, cleaning up, dead heading roses, all the things that gardeners do. One hour passed. And then another. It was so great to be outside, to strech my still recovering shoulders, to strech in general. Plus there was a ton of work to do as I looked closer, so I dove in with full force.

While my hands were full of weeds, a niggling thought kept pushing at the back of my mind, that I needed to pace myself and pay more attention to the amount of work I was doing. Countless afternoons of gardening have resulted in late night lows, hours after the work is done. I heard the warnings and I gently pushed them away, out of my mind for a while. And an hour would pass and they'd float back in and again, I'd push them away. Because at the moment it felt too good to stop. It felt so good to use my body and be in the garden, outside in the cool, fresh air.

And of course, I was up last night with a big low. I ate extra fat at dinner, with the hope that it would counteract all the exercise, a technique that had occasionally worked in the past. But it didn't and there I was, stumbling in the night to get milk, jamming 2 cookies in my mouth and then lying there, waiting for my mouth and tongue to stop being numb.

This morning I woke feeling tired and stupid and mad at myself. I should have made different decisions. I should have known better. And maybe that is so. And maybe I did have all the information and I still picked the wrong course. But with diabetes I never know for sure what the outcome will be. Generally I can predict it will do certain things, but not always. So did I really have "all the information"? Is it ever possible to have it all? And even if I did have it all, the bigger question is, was it the wrong course, regardless of the outcome? Would I have forgone the wonderful day I had yesterday, to avoid the low I had last night? Truthfully, probably not. And that's the rub with diabetes. It's not that you can't live with the consequences of all the choices you have to make. It's that with diabetes, small choices can have profound physical reactions. On some days that's bearable, on others, not so much.

So I'm left with my friends wise counsel and also something I've learned from many of Scott's comments to my blog, which is that I need to cut myself some slack. It's not some character flaw that I chose gardening "over" the possibility of a low in the night. I have diabetes which adds a slippery world of variables to a life full of desires, goals and choices. I assessed, I hoped, I may have even fooled myself about the situation. But I'm not a bad person because of it. That part, the recriminations and judgements, I can let go of. In the end, you weigh the options and then you choose. I chose gardening yesterday and I'm trying a new response, which is "good for me".

never totally off.

Well it's getting close to the middle of my sabbatical and yes, I'm feeling significantly more relaxed. I had no idea how tired I really was, how wound up I am for the daily work adventure, how much I still needed to recover from my shoulder surgery from last spring. It has been wonderful and surprising. Quiet and unrushed as the day unfolds. The day unfolds. I haven't known what that felt like for literally decades. It's quite a remarkable thing!

But. But, the slowed pace seems to be impacting my bloodsugars. It started late last week and I'm thinking I'm seeing a trend. I'm having more lows, during the day and at night. I'm thinking it's because I am less "stressed" and more relaxed and so it's taking less insulin to do what my body needs it to do. I'm trying not to get bummed or distracted by this. I'll take more blood tests to see if in fact, it is a trend. Plus with the pump, the good news is, it's pretty easy to tweak as subtly as needed.

Hm, and while we're on the subject of "trends in bloodsugars", I'm seeing my fabulous nurse at the clinic today, to talk about possibly trying one of the new glucose monitoring sensors. Which might really be the ticket for a situation like this. Changing routine, more information. Sounds good. I've been encouraged by diabetes mine's experience with the DexCom and that of the others who have commented on her posts. It sounds great, and who doesn't want more accurate data about trends in bloodsugars? It will be easier to sync up insulin to my bodies needs plus I'll be able to catch highs and lows before they get too high or low. I know a will want to go on one of the sensor's out there. I'm just not sure when.

I'm torn. I feel a bit sad about having to learn another new technology, especially on my vacation. Funny, but even as I write this, I realize that my grumpiness is really that my vacation isn't also a vacation from diabetes too. A vacation from all the jobs in my life. I'm sorry to be such a whiner, but I guess I'd hoped (deep in the irrational brain) that this time, I'd get a vacation from diabetes too. Kind of silly, really.

Postscript. I checked out the sensor at the clinic today and though it is amazing and I'm definitely going to get one, I've decided to wait until after the vacation. Pace my dear. Take a few more blood tests, pull back on the insulin. Pass the cold, fizzy water please. There is plenty of time to reach the next technological level. For now, I'm going with the flow. The vacation flow...

hello there.

There is a downside to forgetting that I have diabetes. I mean it's great and all but when my life gets going at a fevered pitch like it did last week, I am often caught off guard by the fact that yes, I still have it. I'm caught off guard by a 260+ blood sugar even though I don't feel so bad. Or maybe I just don't notice how I'm feeling when I'm focused on everything else. So when I finally do slow down enough to check my BS, it can be a lot higher than I expect. Probably because I'm not eating as well as I should on these busy kind of weeks. I get going and I look up and it's 2:00 in the afternoon and all I've eaten is a bowl of granola in the morning with some skim milk. So I grab some cottage cheese and yogurt and water, and hm, yes, some cheetos too because I'm so hungry I think I deserve it (which doesn't make any sense but at this point it seems logical to me). And I scarf it all down and get back to work and finally when I do check at 6:00 p.m., I'm 265. No surprise I guess, thanks especially to the cheetos...

And I can go days like this when work is crazy. And then finally it hits me. Stop. This is bad. I have diabetes damn it and I need to take care of myself. Deadlines can wait a minute. I need to take a blood sugar. I need to adjust. And no thanks on the cheetos. Slow down girl. Deep breath. Ok now you can get back to work.

It's been pretty stressful at work lately. Lot's of changes which isn't new for where I work, but there are more changes than usual going on right now, so the tension level is up. With me. And with the people I work with too. So it's easy to get distracted from diabetes. It's easy to feel like I'm just like everyone else. But I'm not. I have this disease I need to manage. I need to remember that I have diabetes at times like these too. So sometimes it's not so good to forget that I have diabetes.

I'll have fries with that adventure

I have just returned from an overnight business trip to Seattle. My friends and I drove and were in the car for about 3 1/2 hours from door to door. We got hungry and stopped for lunch about half way through the trip. It was a typical, small roadside diner near the exit off of the interstate with a gas station and an ice machine and nothing much more. When traveling to Seattle, there are long streches of no civilization, so if you're hungry, you kind of have to settle for what you come across since it may be quite a while until the next opportunity presents itself. And that's how we found ourselves in Mrs. Beasleys on Thursday afternoon.

Once inside we scanned the menu and began ordering. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, was deep fried. Normally I don't eat deep fried things much, but what could I do? Order and manage it, or just not eat. Frankly, I really didn't think about it much because I was with great friends, having an adventure and I was hungry. I ordered the chicken strips which of course, came with wonderful, crispy fries. And I ate them. I figured out the carbs and bumped up the bolus to cover the inevitable hit the fat would have on my bloodsugar down the road. We ate, we laughed alot and we got back in the car.

Once we got to Seattle we walked around and checked out the cool retail in Belltown. And I got caught up in the fun and forgot to test. One hour, two hours passed after arrival and I just forgot to think about my bloodsugar. I was a bit thirsty but it didn't occur to me that I was high. I drank a big glass of water at the hotel and then finally, checked my bloodsugar. 348. Oh yeah. I had fries for lunch.

We were supposed to go out to dinner as a group but I decided to stay in to deal with the bloodsugar and my aching shoulder. I've learned over the years of traveling with my diabetes, that pace is key. It's not that I CAN'T go out, it's just that I need to pace myself where I can. Restaurant food, different exercise patterns, sitting for hours, walking for hours, lifting bags all manifest in more volatile bloodsugars that require a little more attention than usual. And it's easy to get distracted or swept away by the fun of being with people I enjoy in a place full of stimulation and inspiration. It's easy to forget that I'm not like them. It's easy for me to say it'll be OK.

And in the big picture, it always is. But a 348 bloodsugar takes a while to come down reasonably. Especially when I still have to eat something before the night is out. Because if I don't eat, I can be up in the night with a low bloodsugar, which isn't fun in the first place and much less fun still, in a foreign hotel room. And on the other hand, if I don't get it down below 200, I'm risking being up in the night with a high bloodsugar, trying to take just enough insulin to get it down but not too much to send me into rebound. All of this on a business trip is less than fun and often the case for me.

So I have tried over the years, to minimize the impact of all the challenges that travel presents to my diabetes control. I've figured out the perfect travel pack which means I worry less about forgeting something in the flurry of packing. I've gotten bolder about opting out of the morning to midnight stuff, if it doesn't compromise the business aspect of the trip. And finally, I've learned to cut myself some slack, because regardless of how much I try to plan for all the possibilities, there is always something that happens which isn't exactly what you planned. Like being swept up in the moment of french fries with friends.

dance to one song a day

I'm not a great dancer, but I love music. I love how it makes me feel when it's played loud. I can feel it in my stomach and it always makes me want to move. In the spirit of aiming for more joy in my life, I think it would be great to dance more. Nothing fabulous, just more moving to groove, dude. I'd love it if I could dance for a 1/2 hour a few days a week which would not only be more fun but also great exercise. I walk between a mile and two miles every day with my dogs, which works well for my diabetes control. But I'd love to be able to dance too...not like a competitive aerobics class kind of thing, but rather a place to move and sweat and feel alive with others. I like the idea of more reasons to play the Gorillaz and Madonna and Beck and the Ceasers and the Killers and En Vogue.

So my question is how do I do that with diabetes? How do I do more exercise it if I don't do it every day? I have been able to carve out the 1/2 hour every day, rain or shine, to walk. It helps that the dogs get me going and I feel guilty if they don't get their walk. But that 1/2 hour a day is about all I can rely on, given my schedule. To add another 1/2 hour of more intense exercise on random days poses some problems beyond time. It's the inconsistency (of intesity and time) that kills me. One day with increased activity, one day without means low bloodsugars on the days I do it, high ones on the days I don't. I know it takes experimentation to find out how to make it work. But man the ongoing "planning of fun" is pretty depressing. And not doing new things, because of all the planning and experimentation it requires, becomes very seductive. It's so easy to get deterred. I started swimming last year and it was great, but I couldn't do it consistently enough and as my body changed because of the increased activity, my bloodsugar control went out the window. Out of control diabetes usually manifests for me in interupted nights with unexpected highs and lows. It only takes a few nights in a row of this for me to loose my motivation. I get tired. And get to where I will do anything to just feel rested. So I walk for exercise. Which works, but is boring. I'm just reticent now, to try anything new. It's not exactly relaxing to be doing something different for "fun" and have it become physically harder to manage my diabetes.

But I yearn for more physical activity, spontenaity and fun. How do I do that? Beyond the reticence I just described, I have also found that trying something new can be a very solitary and confusing process. Frankly, I feel like I'm guessing through most of it. In the spirit of seeking out help in adding more physical activity to my life, I have talked to people who know about exercise and have found they never seem to also know about diabetes. I have also talked to the people who know about diabetes and always seem to speak in generalities about exercise, but never have the time to focus on my specifics. I've read books and articles, researched the web. At the end of the day, I'm left to trying to piece it all together which is hard and scary and full of pitfalls. I feel like I need a knowledgable coach who gets the complexity of diabetes and exercise. It would be great to have someone who is there with me through the process, to help with motivation, frustration, anxiety, set backs and ultimately, to share in the success.

Or maybe, in the absense of that, I just need to start slow, dance to one song a day. I could do that. And then maybe bump it up to two songs a day once I've figured out how to manage the impact on my body. Maybe, as usual, it's all about the pace. I can start small with one song a day. 7 songs a week, 7 dances a week, is 7 more than I am doing now. That sounds like a veritable party when I look at it that way, and that party certainly adds up to more joy. So I guess for now, I will plan to ease into the dance fever.

the right pace

Last night I had a birthday party with my best friends. It was fabulous. So fun and funny and happy. I literally woke up smiling this morning. I was thinking about how I just want more of that feeling. More laughter, good food, celebration, stories, joy. We stayed up late, ate well and laughed alot. It was true unbridled fun for me.

And then I thought about the idea of pace. That life with a chronic illness like diabetes requires a real sense of pace. I may want more of what I experienced last night, but I couldn't maintain too much of it without some real impact on my diabetes control. I know no one gets everything they want in terms of fun, but I also know that I am determined to move to joy as much as I can. And though it's not necessarily about less, it is about being aware of the balance that I have to shoot for with this disease. I've found over the years that my diabetes behaves kind of like a childs top. When it's going well it's balanced and I am capable of lot's of speed and adventure and energy. And then something tips the balance and it gets all wonky and hard to maintain the equilibrium. It also takes time to reestablish the balance and that's when I get bummed, because I like the energy I feel when it's going well. I start to feel sorry for myself that I have to deal with it all.

My goal now is to figure out the right balance between pace and fun. Or maybe to approach them as an integrated thing rather than as a trade off. I'm not a big fan of slow but I also know from experience that it is key to keeping the "top" going in a balanced way. The question is how do I get more joy while maintaining pace? Or maybe the idea is really accepting that I get more of what brings me happiness WITH pace. What would that look like? The goal is to figure out what's the right pace to have more of the unbridled fun. Because in the end, isn't all this effort to be healthy about having more of the joy?