before and after

before.

Isn't context a funny thing? I've been on the pump for almost 5 years so I'm pretty used to "my diabetic life according to the pump". I actually forget for hours at a time that I'm even diabetic at all. During the good stretches, when I'm bolusing or taking a blood test, the results are often just fine, so it doesn't really deeply register that I'm diabetic even then. I'm so used to diabetes in general, and now, I'm so used to diabetes with the pump that it often is just second nature. Test, bolus, adjust, eat. Done. On to the next thing.

Of course, I still go through those weird times when everything is out of wack and I'm not exactly sure why. And sometimes I do know what's made it go out of wack but it still takes a few days to get back under control. But regardless, there are now more stretches of no problem than the other way around. And boy oh boy, before the pump, it used to SO be the other way around. Literally weeks with interrupted sleep because of highs and lows in the night. I'm now on 5 different settings throughout the night because my blood sugars fluctuate so dramatically from 10 p.m. to 8 a.m. But before the pump, who knew that? I just thought I was the worst diabetic in the world and no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't get it right. I felt stupid and tired and afraid and demoralized.

And yet I resisted going on the pump for years. I didn't want to be hooked up to a computer because every computer I had worked with had failed at some point, so I wasn't going to trust my life to some fallible technology. "Better the evil we know" kind of thing. And I must say that the pump companies didn't do the best job making it an appealing proposition either. There was no direct interaction between me and them. I had to go through a nurse at a clinic to even see a pump or test one out. It was so very medical. It wasn't like buying a cellphone or a computer or a car. And though of course, it was a medical device and needed to function perfectly, I was going to have to live with this thing 24/7. Couldn't the process of deciding have been a little more human?

So I dilly-dallied and made excuses and I suffered on. And then my dad died and 9/11 happened and I thought, what do I have to lose? Life was suddenly very fleeting and I just leapt. And the day I went on the pump, my life changed irrevocably for the better. That day, and every day since, has been so much better than it was before. And here I sit today, realizing that I actually forget I have diabetes at times and now, that feels so normal. Isn't context funny?

after.

Comments

[Scott K. Johnson]

Like you say - funny how context or perspective changes things so much. Pretty neat when you think about it.

I also think it's interesting that because the technology you were using (shots) was not capable of matching the needs of your body, you felt like a "bad diabetic". I mean, talk about something that is totally not your fault, but yet you almost can't help but feel that way!

I wonder what we will look back on in 5 years. 10 years?

I'm not sure, but I do know that I look forward to looking back! :-)

[Kerri.]

I had such a similar leap to pump therapy that while reading your post, I had to remind myself that it wasn't one of my own.

That, and you and I have the exact same pump.

You don't have a small, gray, annoying cat named Siah Sausage, do you? That would completely freak me out. ;)

[birdie]

Well, no on that particular kitty, though strangely enough, I have always wanted a gray cat. Hm! (Don't tell my tabby Pearl)

Isn't technology grand sometimes? I'm still in that gushy stage of realizing that there are others out there who actually know what I'm talking about. Both the pump and the internet have made my life with diabetes a whole lot better!

And when I think about the next 5-10 years, my gut says that probably we'll see more technological advances that will make our lives better vs. the total cure. But hopefully I'll be wrong. In the meantime, it's great knowing that there are wonderful people out there who know of what I speak. Thanks.