slow to grace.

First off, a huge thanks to all the kind thoughts and support from everyone. Your presence buoys me up. Everything is going to be ok, and all the kind wishes make it easier still. It's just been a very weird few days. But the picture is finally getting clearer and though it's not done yet, things are looking up. Today I got some more definitive information and luckily it's looking like the best case scenario is what the story is turning out to be. Tough few days, probably a happy ending. Yeah for that.

Which brings me to the idea of capacity. It's a concept I've thought a lot about, in terms of diabetes. At times like these, I'm always surprised at how close to the surface my fatigue and frustration with having to deal with so much physical challenge is. I'm walking around just fine and then I find out I have some other medical thing to deal with and bam, I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. Or I feel sorry for myself. Or just plain pissed. Whatever the kaliedescope of emotions present at the moment, it's right there, quick as a wink.

What I've seen through this experience, is that there is a limit to the immediate grace I can tap into. I usually get there, but my capacity is a bit full in general, so it takes me a little time. A day or two perhaps. I always imagine that someone different than me, possibly without diabetes, might just handle all this stuff better, be more immediately graceful than I could ever muster. But heh, at the end of the day, we try our best. I keep aiming for grace, knowing that it's never possible to actually live there all the time. It's more of a lean, a commitment to keep trying to be graceful, to see the up side, to know that this is just a moment in time.

Comments

[Scott K. Johnson]

You know, I have ALWAYS thought of myself having only a finite amount of "mental energy", and because so much of it is "used up" dealing with managing (or trying to) diabetes, I don't have much left for the rest of life - the *capacity* to deal with everything else that goes on in life.

I also think that I "get there" too - because I have a commitment to being optimistic (and graceful). I think that is a perfectly wonderful way of putting it, and it "clicks" with me right away.