owning my choices.

Last night I was up with a high bloodsugar. The night before, a low. I spent this morning feeling really sorry for myself because I was tired and I resented the fact that I have to deal with diabetes so much at night.

But then something occured to me. I do know why I had a high last night. I'd probably eaten too much fat at dinner. The low the night before, I probably hadn't eaten enough protein. Yes, it is a drag that I have to deal with the fact that what I eat impacts my diabetes so much. But beyond that, I do have some choice and knowledge as to how to minimize the likelihood of this kind of nightime fun. I'm amazed, that after so long, I still try what I know won't work. I do understand why I do it. I just don't know why I'm surprised by the outcome since I'm the one making the choice.

So tonight, it's back to the known food routine. The tried and true favorites that help me to get the results I'm shooting for. They may not assure the desired outcome I'd like, but they'll certainly up the odds. Especially in the immediate future.

And then in the long term, it might also be good to think about attempting the square bolus trick again. It didn't work well for me in the past but now with the sensor, it might be easier to sync up, if I go in with real data about how my bloodsugars are reacting to specific foods. Ok, so I'm a little slow on the technology uptake. But yeah, I see the logic.

Regardless of what I do specifically, I know I do have choices. Even choosing not to do something is a choice. It means I need to weigh all the information, the trade-offs, the energy it takes and then decide. Decide to eat more protein at dinner, or try the sensor, or the square bolus. Or decide to not decide. For today at least. Because I'm tired, and that's ok too. Whatever the choice and result, I'm taking responsibility for the parts I can control, which makes me feel like I'm less of a victim. And that always feels better to me, in the long run.

Comments

[Scott K. Johnson]

I think this is great. To own the choices we make. As you say, it makes you feel as you are less of a victim.

The next big thing I need to work on is to try to understand what is going on in my head when I make the same bad choices over and over again. There's something there that I need to work on, but just haven't put the effort in yet.

[Kerri.]

"Or decide not to decide."

That part makes perfect sense to me. I decided not to decide today when I sat down for a three hour working lunch of cripsy, delicious pizza and a lingering cappuccino. I decided to wing it when I bolused and I had to correct the 197 mg/dl I experienced later in the afternoon.

It may be deemed "wrong" and "irresponsible" by some, but I can't spend every second of my life counting and calculating and worrying about having diabetes in my life. I do the best I can. I make that choice to try.

I own every single choice I make. And I can say that with pride.

[Chrissie in Belgium]

Definitely true that it helps to realize that our choices do affect the results AND most importantly this makes a diabetic feel less of a victim! Why do we keep trying things that do not work? Well, how many times have doctors given you information that doesn't work. Proteins and fats definitely affect you bg values, as they do mine. Just adding 30g more lean white chicken will influence my night bg values. My doctors really did not want to believe that such small amounts of protein did influence my bg values. Maybe this explains why we repeatedly try things that do not work - because others around us keep telling us that our own conclusions are incorrect. There is just so much we do not yet know about this disease. Diabetes seems to affect people so very differently, so there are no simple quidelines to follow!

[birdie]

Yes, it's about owning and even relishing the choices we have. And also knowing that there is more of a burden in having everything be a choice. Before diabetes, what I ate didn't pose such ramifications. But now it does and though it tires me out sometimes, it's the reality I have to live with.

I couldn't agree with Kerri more, about the pride in owning every single choice. It seems to me that frankly, the upside to the "burden" of all this choice, is that if you accept your part in it, you get to own your life in a far more profound way. How others characterize it is really not important. The "perfect state" of management is theoretical, not human. Again, I agree that it's about trying our best and celebrating all the choices, without harsh judgement of good and bad. "Bad" choices aren't bad, if they are in fact, something you are weighing and then deciding to do because the outcome is one you want. Pizza and cappuccino sounds like heaven to me. And that's what we get when we own all my choices. An authentic life full of adjustments and pizza, dedication and courage, discipline and treats.

And also thanks for reminding me Chrissie about the fact that it takes experimentation and testing of "the rules", to know what works best for my particular body. Trying something that "doesn't work" is a great way to see what actually does work for us individually. And then once I know what works for me, knowing that I still might choose to do something that doesn't, is fine by me. I've done it before and I'll do it again. At the end of the day, this is about life, not getting an A in diabetes.

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