I was talking to a friend the other day about living with diabetes. That it's kind of a never ending assault of sharpness on your body, all so that you can live. That it's about enduring the actual hurting of yourself, because it's good for you in the end. That on a primal level at least, it's all very counterintuitive. Which prompted my friend to raise an interesting question. If you have to do all tis unpleasant stuff to live, in that light, what's the opposite from that necessary fact, she asked? What's the antidote to diabetes if you will? What's the physical antidote to the reality of the physical experience of diabetes, she asked? Hm. Now there's an interesting question I'd never quite considered in that way. I'd always thought about what would help me to live with this disease, but I'd never thought of it as an opposite kind of mechanism. The more I think about it, the more I think that this is a great question. A smart and healing question. If I have to endure the regimen of diabetes to live well, what can I do to offset and sooth some of the physical impact it has on me?
What my friends question has also helped me to see is how compartmentalized I've become around the pain and discomfort of the maintenance of this disease. I say to myself that it isn't constant pain, so the sharp sting of inserting the pump port into my body isn't really a big deal because it will soon pass. The discomfort of an itchy site or the ache of cold insulin going into my body, well that's not ongoing, so it doesn't really matter. The fact that my finger tips are so scarred that I need to find new places to take blood tests, places that still have active nerves that jump when the clicker plunges in and succeeds to draw blood, well that just goes with the territory. I say to myself that I should feel ok because I have less discomfort because I only have to change my site every 3 days instead of take 6 shots every day, as I did before I went on the pump. It's less physical invasions, so the pain that is there, doesn't compare. It's come to not count over the years, because it's just so necessary. Necessary to live, so it's necessary to endure. Right?
Huh? Wait a minute here. Less pain is definitely better, but it's still pain. Less shots are definitely better, but it's still a physical invasion every 3 days, year in and year out. Plus there's the cumulative impact of all these tiny acts of violence. 6 shots a day for 16 years, 4-8 blood tests a day for nearly 22 years, insertion of a port into my stomach, backside and legs for over 7 years, thousands of low blood sugars and high blood sugars. That's a lot of "not so bad" stuff. A lot.
So in that light, my friends question is starting to take on some real importance to me. What's my antidote to the physical assault of diabetes? I'm struck with the fact that at this point, I'm not really sure.
Is it a massage every few weeks?. Not massage work, but rather, a massage just to relax and feel good.
Or maybe it's water. I remember how it felt when I was a young girl growing up in California floating in the waves at the beach. I imagine that physical feeling could possibly be an antidote to diabetes. Weightless, buoyant, floating in a calm, undulating sea. Maybe I need to try to find some of that in the near future.
Or maybe it's lying in a hammock on a 70+ degree day, somewhere sweet smelling, with a cool, refreshing breeze blowing around me. That perfect temperature, not too cool, not too warm, calm, quiet and complete. Yep. That would work too.
Even as I write this, I'm amazed at how much better I'm feeling, right now, this very minute. By just imagining what the antidote might be, I feel better. The idea that there are things that could possibly counteract some of the persistent physical noise and discomfort of diabetes is exciting. Seeing this idea as a filling in of what's been taken away physically by diabetes really helps me. In the absence of a cure, the question then becomes how can I soothe the tired, diabetes impacted body I have? What is my antidote?
What a wonderful question. I want a friend who like that, who thinks to ask such questions, whose mind works in that way.
It's an important question that is leading me to ponder what the antidote might me in my own life. And also, to realize it's okay to acknowledge the pain and discomfort diabetes brings often. It's not being a victim or a whiner--it's being real, and knowing the truth. I am often too hard on myself and count myself for less than I am. Thanks for the reminder. I want the antidote, too!
Posted by: Amylia Grace | February 09, 2008 at 08:07 PM
That's an interesting way to look at this. I'm going to have to give this some thought to figure out mine. Thanks for bringing this idea to light.
Posted by: Donna | February 10, 2008 at 09:34 AM
What a fabulous question!
I too felt calm and comfortable thinking of the things that you talked about (the hammock (minus the mosquitos), or floating in the water with gentle waves). It's nice - feeling that way.
Posted by: Scott K. Johnson | February 10, 2008 at 01:36 PM
My antidote: the joy of living. It is a lot more difficult than it sounds, but the very fact that I am making a conscious decision to manage my diabetes forces me to make the most of my life. It was a zen moment when I realized this a few weeks after my diagnosis. Hey, i'll have to voluntarily manage a bodily function that was being taken care for me automatically before. And the process of managing that function involves pain. But you know what? There's that time left over after BG checks, site changes, hypoglycemic episodes, and that's life, calling out loud in its varied hues, colors and sights. The antidote to diabetes? The time spent enjoying life after you take care of it. Don't let it bog you down. Live life. Don't give diabetes too much prominence. There are books to read, photographs to be taken, music to be enjoyed, food to be eaten, people to be met, and sunrises and sunsets to be enjoyed.
Posted by: sri | February 12, 2008 at 03:26 PM
Hi!~! I have never visited this blog before.
I have been living with T1Diabetes through caring for my 7year old son for the past 5 1/2 years.
After the hysteria passed, and I realised that I wouldn't be going to teach or write or enjoy my youth as a 20 something, I soon turned to my piano. I can soothe myself with a dreamy sonata, or redden the tips of my fingers by playing some hateful, angry chordal music when things are worse than ever. I have even snapped a piano string over a 2 week hospital ordeal when my son had DKA. (These days, I am happy to say that the sonatas sing throughout my house!!)
Diabetes is still my biggest nightmare, but I have made a pact with it: I will comply to it's demands to my greatest capacity,as long as it doesn't spring any nasty surprises on me. It seems that I am keeping my end of the bargain more than it does however...
Anyway, I'll add you to my bloglist!
Peace and Jellybabies from Australia
Kate and Lance
Posted by: Kate | February 12, 2008 at 08:45 PM