worried about worrying.

In the spirit of full disclosure I have to admit that I come from worrying stock, so I come by the behavior honestly.  My grandmother was a worrier, my mother is a worrier, and yes, I'm one too.  It's in our dna, if that's possible.  Or at least it's part of our family culture, just like being political or not might be.  Or using cilantro in your food.  Or driving a certain brand of car.  Some families do it one way, others another.  In mine, worrying is just something we do. 

So given the fact that I have a natural tendency to worry, it doesn't surprise me that I do so when it comes to diabetes.  Living a long time with any chronic illness, and with diabetes in particular, what with all the details and vagaries you have to manage, presents lots of opportunity for worry.  In the immediate: did I take enough insulin?  Will that walk make me go low?  Was their hidden fat in that meal that will send my blood sugars sky high in the next couple of hours?  Yep, there's lots to get a worrier worrying here.  And then of course there's the long term stuff to worry about.  Complications.  Physical things related to diabetes that you didn't know about until you start having it happen, like frozen shoulder or thyroid disease or whatever.  Who knew until the doctor says "oh yes, diabetics have a higher chance of getting x".  Yes indeed, chronic illness has so much that serves as fodder for worry.

Because I tend worry anyway, and because I have a disease that presents lot's of stuff to worry about, I am realizing how much I'm living in a low grade state of worry everyday.  Worse yet, I'm beginning to realize that this worry state spills over into the rest of my life and quite frankly, is making me become something I'm not thrilled about.  Every pain, every stiffness, every natural aging thing like needing glasses or having a mammogram every year or aching more after activity, everything makes me worry a little.  Is it something serious?  Is it something I need to see the doctor for?  Is it yet another cause for worry?  And then I say no, it's fine, don't worry. But inevitably I think "but what if I'm ignoring something I should be paying attention to".  God knows one thing diabetes has taught me to do is pay attention to the slightest changes and details.  How do I only turn that on for diabetes and keep it off for everything else?  How do I know what is really worthy of worry?  And more importantly, how do get some time off from worry when I never get time off from diabetes?  How do I strike the right balance between appropriate vigilance and too much worry?

All good questions and not surprisingly now I'm worried I won't ever figure it out.  Ok so that's a joke (but not totally)!

Comments

[Scott K. Johnson]

Birdie, I think that many (all?) of us long-timers have that low grade worry (I love how you put that). It comes with the package of our D, and I wouldn't worry about worrying. :-)

[Minnesota Nic]

Excellent term, "appropriate vigilance".
Yeah, I come from a family of worriers too. My G'ma used to head for the cellar everytime the sky clouded over, thinking that a tornado was making a beeline for her house.
My dad would be standing out in the street, looking for my car, if I was 5 minutes late coming home (before the days of cell phones). In some respects I think that worry is a learned behavior, and that it is quite possible there may be a genetic link.
In my 20's and 30's I was so paralyzed by the fear of complications (after seeing many of my relatives stricken) that I was 100% disengaged from life. In retrospect I think that I made some really stupid (or may I say "dumb-assed") life-navigating decisions because I was smothered by fear. I had panic attacks and heart pounding bodily symptoms. I felt disaster was around every corner.
I think I sort of outgrew it, though. Maybe it was my dramatic bout with retinopathy, in which I came out with my wholeness (and vision) intact that took the edge off, leaving me with more confidence that I could cope with what the future hands me.
My dream is to find a good doctor that I can put all of my trust in. So far that hasn't hapeed. The fact that we have to be our own advocated 24/7 makes me anxious - "what if he misses something; what test did he forget to order; what if he just doesn't care?" blah blah blah.
I am going out tonight after supper and take some spring pictures. I am free to point my camera wherever I please - will I choose the patch of mud and dead grass, or the flowering dogwood across the street? I know, Birdie, that you focus on the beauty around you. I wish you better days ahead.

[CALpumper]

Yet another Great post Birdie. Love the way you use phrases and terms. You write so beautifully. Even when it has to do with low grade worrying.

Being a "pre-existing chronic liability" (my new fun term for PWDs - no offense to anyone! I use it in my "twisted humor" moments when I am frustrated with my lack of health insurance) we almost have to worry. But I am slowly training myself to be aware. I went from panic to worry to cautious to aware. It was a slooow progression and I am still working on it. I am sure I will be until my time is up.

It does not help that doctors, scientists, researchers (argh, the general public) are not fully educated. Unless someone has Diabetes they have no clue what it is like, the toll it takes, the every day management, the No vacation. There is still so much they do not know. My Endo told me he has no clue why some things work for me and not others and vice versa. (Minnesota Nic, if you can find a doc that can be that honest and frank, stick with 'em! It took me 5 years to develop the relationship I currently have with my Endo. It was a long journey but worth it.)

So I guess, here's to being a Diabetic Worrier. But these days I prefer Diabetic Warrior. ;-)

[Bob Hawkinson]

I have heard that worry is interest paid on non-existent debt.
Hakunnah Mattata
No worries....Keep Going....Peace Bob