distance and connection.

 

I'm taking off this week so I've had more time to think and write and even try something new. Yesterday's post talked about the pursuit of balance and in that spirit, I called a local yoga studio and booked an appointment for a private yoga instruction. It turned out that they could see me that afternoon, yesterday, no need to wait. Wow, snip, snap, here's a chance for some balance missy. Or at least some real movement towards it, towards trying to have more. Ask and the universe provides! Or something like that.

So I went and today I'm surprisingly stiff and sore but also very happy and more relaxed than I've been in ages. It was great and scary and promising. I had a great conversation with the instructor about my health history, my fears and concerns, my hopes. She was wonderful and as we talked, I had a revelation. A big one.

Over the years I've done a lot of thinking about diabetes. I've developed the mental side of the coping and healing process fairly well. Lately however, I've been feeling like that aspect of healing hasn't been enough. Over the years of living with diabetes and dealing with all the physical challenges it presents, I realize that I've come to create a distance from my body as a way to cope. When you don't have diabetes and you prick your finger until it bleeds, you notice. You might say ouch loudly. You might wince and shake the finger and suck it to feel better because, hell, it hurts. And then you move on. But not me. I've done that hundreds of times, thousands of times, and continue to do it many times a day. To cope, I don't think about it. I numb myself to the pain. I numb myself to the intrusion. I numb myself to the assault. Because I have to be able to keep doing it to stay healthy and ultimately, alive. And over the years, that need to numb myself to the physical pain and intrusion of diabetes (and all the other related stuff it brings like frozen shoulder and tangental surgeries), has created a distance between my heart and my body. A distance that makes perfect sense, but is at odds with the idea of balance and integration and unity as a whole person. 

Wow! That feels like a big piece of the puzzle. A very big one!

So there I was in this room with a stranger and we lay on the floor and breathed and moved slowly and in small ways. Laying the small of my back to the floor and then lifting it. Breathing in, breathing out. Simple and yet so very profound. Slow enough that my blood sugars didn't crash as is so often the case when I exercise. Slowly so that I could connect my breath to my back and abdomen and hips and legs and arms. And yes, I felt my pump site too and had to adjust the clip a couple of times to do the moves I was being asked to do. But it was ok, and not too scary because it all happened so slowly, flat on my back, with the floor there to support me the entire time. 

I feel good today. Because of the revelation and because of the effort I made to move to a new place. I feel excited about learning how to find the balance between healthy coping distance and healthy body connection. It's a delicate balance and not one I think I'll find over night. I'm not even sure I'll find it through yoga, but what I am sure about is that I will find a better one than I have right now, and that alone will be better. 

Comments

[Scott K. Johnson]

Very interesting thought! I've never considered that I've numbed myself to all of the discomfort...but now that you bring it up, I believe many of us probably do!

[Laura G.]

This is such a great and inspiring post. I am taking a break from my pump after ten years on it to address this very thing--numbness and disconnection from my body and some real blocks against yoga, meditation and even violin practice or study as a result. What a brave and creative step to set up yoga lessons! I'm going to try hard to follow your example and find a yoga teacher this summer, after a long break from classes.

Also, thanks for another inspiration...I recently read Matthew Sanford's book after seeing the link here, and that helped give me some new ways of thinking about this whole subject.

Thank you for your beautiful writing. Wishing lots of health, balance and yoga for you this summer.

[Bob Hawkinson]

Great post....Like my mother always said...try new things whenever you can till you find something you like

[amylia grace]

right on! i think that is why i have such a hard time with yoga and even meditation. that sort of numbness to my body and the disconnection. i've often thought of this and how i numb out and reading this now makes me see it yet again.

are you doing yoga still?

[web traffic for sale]

What's up every one, here every one is sharing these know-how, thus it's nice to read this web site, and I used to visit this website daily.