I was in a car accident last week. A guy ran a red light, a full on red at 40 miles an hour and sheered off the front of my new, pretty car. Thankfully I'm fine, a little stiff and sore and tired but other than that, I walked away unharmed. The car on the other hand, is out of commission for many weeks, but that's OK given how much worse it could have been. I'm one lucky woman.
The accident happened on the first day of my end of summer, two week vacation. Last week was about recovery and rest. So you'd think I'd be all ready for fun this week, now that I'm better and all. Yesterday I woke up sad though. I didn't know why for sure. As the morning progressed I got sadder still and finally devolved into a good sob fest. I mean a full on, let it all out, cry. I can't remember the last time I did that. I have to admit I felt a lot better afterward.
I wonder why this happened now. Is it a residual effect from the car accident, the letting out of pent up emotion, days later when it's safe and once I've finally relaxed? Is it because I realize more deeply how very lucky I was, walking away from a car wreck that seconds later could have had a very different outcome? Or is it something more?
I've been struggling a lot lately with the challenge of living the fullest life I possibly can while at the same time managing my diabetes as best I can to be as healthy as long as possible. The idea of this balancing point, the tension between the trade-offs I mentioned in my last post, has been more actively gnawing at me lately. It's probably the big birthday that's staring me down, that mid-life assessment process that everyone goes through at this stage of their life regardless of having diabetes or not.
Whatever the motivation though, what I'm seeing in the process, is that I have less and less desire to reach out for adventure, travel or even meals out, due in great part to the toll it takes on my diabetes management. My life feels like it's getting smaller because I literally don't have the energy to wrestle with what stepping out of my routine brings to me physically. I'm just tired of all the work and unknowns and hassles so I opt to stay home more. I fear a smaller life but I also deeply fear complications from diabetes.
It seems to me that probably what's going on is that the accident and the amazing gift of walking away unharmed, has punctuated my desire to live the fullest AND healthiest life as I possibly can. In a very real (and quite violent way) the accident has reminded me how fleeting it can all be. In the blink of an eye someone blows through a red light and bam. This experience has galvanized my desire to find the right balance for me. Sooner vs. later.
Which means what am I willing to trade off? What A1c level am I most comfortable with in the end, regardless of what anyone else thinks? What things don't I care to do anymore and am willing to stop worrying about? What things do I still want to do and as such, become a priority to build my diabetes around? All good questions, all being asked with a little more urgency than before.
And what a gift that is!
What a scary incident, and I'm so glad to hear that you are alright.
Not that I know from experience (I don't), but I think it pretty normal to be mentally shaken up for a while after something like that.
Tying it back into diabetes only makes sense. I think the accident helped clarify the little ways diabetes chips away at us (physically and mentally), versus a split second car accident like that. It brings it into focus and draws attention to it.
I also felt some sadness in the fact that you had to spend precious vacation time resting and recovering from the accident rather than vacationing.
Posted by: Scott K. Johnson | August 27, 2008 at 12:13 PM
Oh wow! I'm so glad you're okay. Take care of yourself!
Posted by: Allison Blass | August 27, 2008 at 03:03 PM
i'm very glad you're okay.
when fatigue started to become so much a part of my life, i fought it at first, and sometimes still do, but mostly now i just listen to it, and "trade" it for a nap, a book, a quiet pause. and the more i do, the less it feels like the fatigue is taking the day away from me and more like it points me towards a truer north. in this way a smaller life feels full and not meagre, because it offers what i love most. i think you're right, it is about choosing what you want to attend to, finding which balance makes you feel the most complete.
xo
Posted by: jerusha | August 27, 2008 at 09:16 PM
Excellent post. birdie.
it's funny--with all my travels and adventures i was just telling a friend of mine who proclaimed "traveling is the best thing in the world" that i feel like being home feels pretty darn good to me now and my desire to travel far and wide is less pressing than before.
life is a series of trade-offs and with diabetes, i often chose to neglect myself in pursuit of the higher goal of adventure and not feeling "tied down" by disease, but i see now how that is shifting.
i like the idea of being healthy and around for a long time to come. and the end of your post really hits home,
"what am I willing to trade off? What A1c level am I most comfortable with in the end, regardless of what anyone else thinks? What things don't I care to do anymore and am willing to stop worrying about? What things do I still want to do and as such, become a priority to build my diabetes around?"
Excellent questions to ponder. I'd be curious to know your responses. Perhaps I'll share mine in an upcoming DD post, as well.
Posted by: amylia | August 27, 2008 at 10:44 PM
I am so glad you are alright.
I enjoy reading your blog so much. Your words make me happy and sad. You make me feel normal. You truely are a blessing.
Posted by: David | August 28, 2008 at 01:15 PM