Recently, I've been struggling with the unending nature of diabetes. Wondering about how I can stay motivated when there's no real ending to this disease in sight. Working hard and remaining vigilant means I feel better day to day and hopefully staves off worse things in the future. But the fact is, that today is now and with so much time having past, an ongoing clarity as to why I do this the way I do it can sometimes be elusive.
When I was first diagnosed I felt terrible. I knew something was really wrong with me so the incentive to take shots and blood tests was very clear in mind. I wanted to feel better, so much so that I was more than willing to take shots and weigh my food and prick my fingers multiple times a day. And once I did these things, the results were dramatic and obvious. I started to feel better immediately. I put on much needed weight. I could make it through the night without having to pee multiple times. And thankfully the demanding thirst I'd battled for months finally subsided. I felt better and I clearly understood in a very primal way, the things I was getting for the things I was giving up.
Fast forward to today nearly 23 years later and that stark understanding isn't as obvious to me. Not because I'm any less diabetic now, but rather that this way of life has become so normal and as such, less distinctly other than before. The good news is that in being so vigilant, I'm basically pretty healthy today. In being as healthy as I am though, it's easy to forget that I'm in fact still choosing a particular approach to my diabetes. I used to say that there was no choice, that I would always choose vigilance over denial. What I'm realizing now is that by not recognizing my active choice to continue to live this way, I've lost a sense of context and put my ongoing motivation at risk in the process. By not seeing the choice I make everyday to continue to pay attention to this disease, I miss the poignancy and importance of that act. I miss the gift I give myself. At the end of the day, I deny myself a truth about diabetes, that the stakes are as high as they ever were. Ultimately though what I really miss is a truth about myself. That today, like the day this journey began, I'm choosing health over sickness, vigilance over denial and energy over infirmity, every single day. And that's really, really important to remember, especially on those days when it's hard to stay motivated!
I can completely understand the feeling of just going through the motions, and I've been doing this whole diabetes thing for a lot less than you. So I can only imagine what all these years have done to your mental fortitude. I wish I had some kind of motivational wand to wave. I guess all I can offer is my moral support. Hopefully you can shed the funk.
Posted by: Chris | March 12, 2009 at 10:05 PM
"By not seeing the choice I make everyday to continue to pay attention to this disease, I miss the poignancy and importance of that act. I miss the gift I give myself. At the end of the day, I deny myself a truth about diabetes, that the stakes are as high as they ever were."
Again, Birdie, another poignantly rendered piece. You bring up a lot of valid points that I, too, need to remind myself of (we all do, do we not)? I am sure that many non-diabetics can relate to this as well. Even thinking of the cheesy show "The Biggest Loser," I'm reminded of how hard it is to make the decision, day after day, to choose health and optimal living over old habits or ways of being in the world, in our bodies, and in our souls.
I think after 20+ years we all kinda just go through the motions on autopilot much of the time, and that's precisely why I love your reflections. ((hugs))
Posted by: amylia grace | March 13, 2009 at 12:05 AM
I too love your reflections. They help me see more clearly some of the vague and challenging undercurrents that I fight with.
Posted by: Scott K. Johnson | March 13, 2009 at 07:14 AM
I have searched other blogs to 'see' the side of diabetes that only a diabetic knows and I never keep them as favorites because they don't convey what you alway do. Honesty. Thanks for taking the time.
Posted by: JoAnn Beck | March 13, 2009 at 12:26 PM